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Band 4.5

Some people think that individuals are born to be leaders, others believe leadership can be learnt. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
It cannot be denied that
people
Use synonyms
 came up to
this
Linking Words
 life with a strong
figure
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sense
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 of a
leader
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 in themselves.
While
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 the
half
Correct word choice
other half
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 argues that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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leadership skills can be
tought
Wrong verb form
taught
show examples
 throughout their life. I would agree with the statement that every person could learn everything in a lifetime.
Body paragraph 1
While
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 it is true
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 that
people
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 can be born with several cognitive abilities and individual features, in fact inherent skills of leadership are not very precise in terms of psychological competencies.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
childrens
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children
 gain
substantial
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a substantial
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 part of their characteristics from parents'
involvements
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involvement
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 in their
breeding
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upbringing
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.
Question
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The question
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 of the capability to handle pressing issues right away can be directly attributed to the process of how well the children
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 raised.
For instance
Linking Words
, kids who have seen parents dealing with the prevalent problems and
succesfully
Correct your spelling
successfully
 addressing them, tend to copy the given framework from parents.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 claim that you could be born with a feature of a
leader
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.
Firstly
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, scientists examined
behaviour
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the behaviour
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 of
childrens
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children
 from
age
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the age
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2
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of 2
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to 3 in expressing their ability to solve
the
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apply
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problems. What is more, they challenged them and gave
the
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them the
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 time to tackle
issue
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the issue
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 working as a group. One result of
this
Linking Words
 is that in every group they found
out
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apply
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a
leader
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 who could direct others to figure out
complication
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the complication
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. In that case, it can be seen clearly that some
people
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was
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were
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 born to be a
leader
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is true to say that both
people
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 born to be leaders and individuals experiencing leadership in a period of life each
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 their own unique advantages.

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task response
Discuss both views in a more equal way. The first body says leadership is learned, but the second body says people are born leaders. Make your own view clear in the last paragraph and keep it the same as your introduction.
task response
Give fuller reasons for each view. Explain how parents, school, work, and practice can help a person lead. Then explain why some people may seem more ready to lead from an early age.
task response
Use examples that are clear and linked to your point. The example about children copying parents is useful. The study about young children needs more detail, such as what the children did and why this shows natural leadership.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main paragraphs, and an end. However, the order of ideas is not fully clear because the introduction first says people are born leaders, then says leadership can be taught, but your own view is not stated in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Start each main paragraph with a simple topic sentence. For example: 'Many people believe leadership can be learned.' Then give reasons and an example before moving to the next view.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Words such as 'firstly' and 'on the other hand' are helpful, but make sure each new sentence clearly follows the one before it. Avoid sudden claims like 'One result of this is' without a clear link.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion direct. State that both natural traits and learning matter, then clearly say which one you think is more important and why.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give an opinion that leadership can be learned.
task response
You include examples about parents and young children, which helps make your ideas more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as 'While it is true', 'For instance', and 'On the other hand'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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