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Band 6

Some people believe that children under the age of 16 should not be allowed to use smartphones. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
In
this
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 modern era, technology has become an essential part of our daily lives. It is believed by some people that minors should not be permitted to access cellphones below the age of 16. I partially agree with
this
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 opinion. My views on
this
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 matter are discussed in the subsequent paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
One of the primary reasons why I support the idea of enabling children to use digital
phones
Use synonyms
 is that these devices help ensure their safety.
This
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 is mainly because youngsters need to contact their parents when they are outside and alone.
For example
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,
often
Rephrase
apply
show examples
high school students often take transit to commute to schools and recreational facilities. They might need to contact their parents at any time.
Therefore
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, in these situations,it is crucial for children to have a phone with them. Another benefit is that these
phones
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 can help youngsters with their studies. They can search for information online to complete their assignments. So, young ones can receive considerable help from these
smartphones
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
In contrast
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, the use of
smartphones
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 among
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 comes with several disadvantages. One disadvantage is that they may tend to overuse their
smartphones
Use synonyms
 if there is no parental control.
This
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 can negatively impact their physical and mental health and even their studies.
Moreover
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, without any guardian control, young people may waste their precious time scrolling on their
phones
Use synonyms
 rather than participating in outdoor physical activities.
Smartphones
Use synonyms
 not only negatively affect their health but
also
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 reduce their academic performance.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly believe that giving permission to young children aged under 16 years to have
phones
Use synonyms
 can offer certain benefits
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as child safety and help them in their studies.
However
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, parents should play an important role in limiting the useless phone scrolling by teaching
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 and guiding them on how to use these devices efficiently.

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task response
Your view is clear: children under 16 may use phones, but parents should set rules. Make this view even stronger by saying clearly that you do not support a full ban. Then explain why rules are better than a ban.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic: safety, school work, too much phone use, and health. Add one more clear example, such as a child calling home after a late school event or using a phone app to check school work.
task response
Explain the bad points in more detail. For example, say how too much screen time can lead to less sleep, less exercise, and less time for school work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, good points, bad points, and conclusion. Keep this plan because it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You already use words such as “For example”, “Therefore”, and “In contrast”. Add simple links like “Also”, “As a result”, and “However” only when they show a real link between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences repeat the same point about health and school work. Put close ideas together and state each main point once. This will make the writing more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Check small writing errors that can slow the reader down, such as “childern”, “in these situations,it”, and the repeated word “often” in one sentence.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear final view. Your points about child safety and parent rules fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main focus, and the conclusion brings your main view back at the end.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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