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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that some subjects such as mathematics and philosophy are too difficult for children to learn at school. They think that these subjects should be made optional rather than compulsory. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Mathematics
Use synonyms
 and
philosophy
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 one of the
most
Rephrase
apply
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hardest
subjects
Use synonyms
 to assimilate in school. It is
been
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
argued that
this
Linking Words
 should be optional rather than obligatory. In my own perception, I partially disagree because doing your
preference
Replace the word
preferred
 subject
enable
Correct subject-verb agreement
enables
show examples
 you to be performant on your chosen field ,
whereas
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 these two
subjects
Use synonyms
 are indispensable.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, doing your
preference
Replace the word
preferred
subjects
Use synonyms
ebables
Correct your spelling
enables
 you to be competent in future.
This
Linking Words
 is because
chosing
Correct your spelling
choosing
 your courses will encourage you to work hard as you chose the one you can succeed more
confortably
Correct your spelling
comfortably
 than the others who are just
compulsary
Correct your spelling
compulsory
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the students will perform well in future
due to
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it
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 skills, knowledge and ability.
For instance
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, those who prefer biology studies will likely perform very well to become a medical Doctor.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
mathematics
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 and
philosophy
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 are indispensable in studies as
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 develop certain skills. By implementing
mathematics
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apprentices
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, apprentices
show examples
 will develop the ability to think
,
Correct word choice
and
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 resolve problems
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is useful in our daily activities. In
adddition
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addition
,
philosophy
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builds
Verb problem
teaches
show examples
 people
on
Change preposition
apply
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how to think smartly.
This
Linking Words
 is because the course deals with
Use synonyms
day to
Correct your spelling
day-to-day
day
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 reasoning impoving their perception of thinking
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is beneficial. So, these courses
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 like an addition to them.
For example
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, in a survey carried
in
Verb problem
out in
show examples
 my
school
Add a comma
school,
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 we realised that those doing these two courses are
more smart and
Correct word order
smarter and more
show examples
 intelligent than those who do not do
at
Correct pronoun usage
them at
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 all.
Conclusion
In
conclusion
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conclusion,
show examples
 even though
,
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apply
show examples
 apprentices should
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 their
subjects
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 because they will perform quite well in the future , it is indispensable to study
mathematics
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 and
philosophy
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 as it develops useful ability mainly in our
Use synonyms
day to
Correct your spelling
day-to-day
day
Use synonyms
 life
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is somewhat beneficial.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
show examples
 an association should be done by
chosing
Correct your spelling
choosing
 preference
subjects
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 added to these two ones.

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task response
Make your main view more direct. Say clearly that you disagree with making maths and philosophy optional, but that students may choose other subjects as well.
task response
Explain both main points more fully. For maths, show how it helps with money, time, and problem solving. For philosophy, explain how it helps students ask questions and judge ideas.
task response
Use examples that are more real and clear. The school survey is not fully explained, so it is not very strong. A simple example about a doctor using maths, or a child using maths when shopping, would work better.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph focus on one idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words in a more natural way: 'First', 'Also', 'However', 'For example', and 'Therefore'. Do not add a link word if the next sentence does not clearly follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence match your main view. Instead of saying an association should be done, state that maths and philosophy should stay required while students can choose some other classes.
coherence and cohesion
Check key word forms because they can make the meaning hard to follow. For example, write 'students choose', 'compulsory subjects', 'it develops', and 'these courses are'.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear partly disagree view. You also discuss both student choice and the value of maths and philosophy.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it uses an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
The example about biology and becoming a doctor supports your point that students may do better in subjects they like.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • foundational skills
  • intellectual development
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving skills
  • well-rounded education
  • future challenges
  • adapting teaching methods
  • accessible
  • engaging
  • disparities
  • inequalities
  • educational curricula
  • gradually introduce
  • complex topics
  • digestible
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