IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that museums should be enjoyable and entertaining to to attract young people, while others think that museums should only serve educational purpose. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Meseums
Correct your spelling
Museums
 are very common nowadays, as many indivuduals goes there every day.
While
Linking Words
 others think it should be for fun and distraction, others think it should be for educational priorities.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives and present my opinion
at the end
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, it
mostly
Verb problem
is mostly
show examples
 common for
people
Use synonyms
 to relax and profit there. Young
chacters
Correct your spelling
characters
 are mostly
stess
Correct your spelling
stressed
 at times with work and
schools
Check wording
school
show examples
, so they need an environment where they can forget their stress and be mentally comfortable.
For instance
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, the creation of meseum has
reduce a significant amount of depression rate
Correct word order
reduced the depression rate significantly
show examples
, as more youths going there are not
much
Rephrase
as
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 worried
by
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their problem.
In addition
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, the significant
amount
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number
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 going can be a source of income since it can serve as a recreational centre, whereby
people
Use synonyms
 pay to be entertained.
Therefore
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, creating a source of employment for
people
Use synonyms
 who want to work in
this
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 facility.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
it
Correct determiner usage
its
show examples
 main purpose is for educational research. The role of
mesuems
Correct your spelling
museums
 is to let
people
Use synonyms
 discover more historical objects ,as
this
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 permits them to know how
was the object
Correct word order
the object was
show examples
 made and
also
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 how
fascinated does
Wrong verb form
fascinating
show examples
 it
look like
Correct subject-verb agreement
looks
show examples
.
For example
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, learners in
this
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 modern era
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
goes
Correct subject-verb agreement
go
show examples
 to
mesuems
Correct your spelling
museums
 often to discover about pre-historical
dinosaures
Correct your spelling
dinosaur
 bones, war equipments and ancient
fossil
Check wording
fossils
show examples
.
Thus
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, increasing the interest they have for
this
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 creatures or materials, as they are extraordinary to look
.
Change preposition
at.
show examples
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 the
meseum
Correct your spelling
museum
 is mostly for educational purposes to discover about ancient materials or tools or creatures , I believe the area should be more entertaining and enjoyable as
this
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 is a place to relax, profit, have fun, to
evacuate
Use the right word
relieve
show examples
 a lot of stress for their mental comfort and can hire
people
Use synonyms
 for job opportunities.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your view, which is good. However, make your own view clearer: museums should teach first, but they can also use fun ways to help young people learn.
task response
Some main points need more support. For example, explain how games, films, or hands-on shows can make young people want to learn about the past.
task response
Be careful with ideas that are too broad. The point about museums reducing depression is not well shown and does not directly answer the question. Use museum-based examples instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with a clear main idea. Then give one reason, one example, and a short link back to the question. This will make the flow easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Phrases such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” are useful, but make sure the sentence after each one is clear and complete.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “mostly” and “significant amount”. Use simple clear words such as “many”, “more”, “also”, and “because” when they fit.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present the view that museums can be fun, the view that they should teach, and your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The use of separate parts for each view helps the reader see your plan easily.
task response
Your examples of dinosaur bones, war tools, and old fossils are relevant to the learning role of museums.
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