IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The arts, including art, music and theatre are considered to be important in society. Do you think the arts still have a place amongst our modern lifestyles? Should the arts be included in school program?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern society
arts
Use synonyms
is one
Correct subject-verb agreement
are a
show examples
 fundamental aspect which composes of including art, music
theatre
Correct word choice
, and theatre
show examples
. I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 in my own perception that still
hold
Correct subject-verb agreement
holds
show examples
 a place in our community and should be included in
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 program.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
 comes from our
cultual
Correct your spelling
cultural
 background.
This
Linking Words
because
Verb problem
is because
show examples
 learning much about our origins permits us not to forget about our heritage
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
this
Linking Words
 permit to
Linking Words
further
Rephrase
apply
show examples
continue
with
Change preposition
further
show examples
 in our modern era.
For instance
Linking Words
, listening to our local music enables us to know much about culture, how we
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 dressed
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the harmony
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 way we sing.
As a result
Linking Words
, we can clearly distinguish ourselves from other cultures. Like the most famous
cameroonian
Capitalize the proper name
Cameroonian
show examples
 singer was known from his country because of his album on makossa
whereby
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
,
we
Correct word choice
whereby we
show examples
 knew that makossa came from
cameroon
Capitalize the proper name
Cameroon
show examples
 through the
rythms
Correct your spelling
rhythms
 of his songs.
Body paragraph 2
Like
Correct word choice
As
show examples
 said earlier,
Use synonyms
arts
Add an article
the arts
show examples
 should be included in school as
this
Linking Words
 enables talented individuals to express themselves. By creating musical,theatre and
arts
Use synonyms
 program permit us to know about talented individuals who can continue a career under
this
Linking Words
 domain as
this
Linking Words
 can be a source
job
Change preposition
of job
show examples
opportunity
Check wording
opportunities
show examples
 for the future.
For example
Linking Words
, in
arts
Use synonyms
 schools majority of musicians, actors and inspirational models as they train products for
Linking Words
this
Fix the agreement mistake
these
show examples
 programs. Mozart is well known today because of his music.
Therefore
Linking Words
, mostly
indivuduals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 are oriented to succeed
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the area where they are mostly talented.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
Use synonyms
arts
Add an article
the arts
show examples
 still
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 a great role in
this
Linking Words
 current society as
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 permit us not to forget about our cultural heritage
,
Correct word order
. Also,
show examples
also
Linking Words
 I believe
this
Linking Words
 program should be included in
school
Check wording
schools
show examples
 in order to develop their talent
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 they can
exceed
Verb problem
excel
show examples
 later in
future
Correct determiner usage
their future
show examples
 career
path
Fix the agreement mistake
paths
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both questions in a more full way. Say clearly why the arts still matter today, and why schools should teach them.
task response
Make each main idea clearer. For example, explain how art helps people know their past, and how music or theatre can help children learn and grow.
task response
Use examples that are clear and correct. The Cameroon music example is useful, but explain who the singer is and how the music shows the culture.
task response
Do not make very wide claims, such as saying that most people in art schools become famous. Give a more real and careful example instead.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the link between ideas smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main point. Then add an explanation and one example. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words with care: 'First', 'Also', 'For example', and 'Therefore'. Do not begin too many sentences with 'This' or 'As a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because there are too many ideas in one sentence. Write shorter sentences. For example: 'Local music teaches us about our culture. It can show old clothes, dance, and ways of singing.'
coherence and cohesion
Make your end match your main ideas. Restate that the arts protect culture and help children find and build their skills.
task response
You give a clear view: the arts still have a place in modern life and should be part of school.
task response
You use two useful main ideas: culture and the chance for young people to show their skills.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape with an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples to support your points, such as local music and Mozart.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: