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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think governments should make unhealthy food more expensive to encourage people to eat healthier food. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays, a new issue has arisen in our society
:
Punctuation problem
:
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 some
people
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 think
governments
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 should make unhealthy
food
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 more expensive to encourage
people
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 to eat healthier
food
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. I believe
governments
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 should show the real
price
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 of each cuisine and leave the decision up to
people
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’s needs and budgets
because
Punctuation problem
, because
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 it creates a balance between customers and restaurant owners.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, some
people
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 think
governments
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 should make unhealthy
food
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 more expensive to encourage
people
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 to eat healthier
food
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. I disagree because it feels like cheating
to
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apply
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customers and clients, and it can create misleading information about the quality,
price
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, and benefits of the
food
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.
For example
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, in the
last
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 experiment we did on
this
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, we found that some
people
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 thought unhealthy
food
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 was better because of its
price
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.
Therefore
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,
governments
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 should require all restaurants to clearly list ingredients and calories on their
menus
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 so
people
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 can choose what is appropriate for them.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, it can expose the unreality and dishonesty of restaurants, which may lead to losing customers and clients.
In other words
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, showing all details and side effects of unhealthy
food
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,
along with
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 a
price
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 reduction, is better for encouraging
people
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 to choose healthy
food
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.
For instance
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, at our restaurant, KPR, we ran an experiment on obesity and fatty ingredients with a
price
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 reduction, which increased
people
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's attention to healthy
food
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.
As a result
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,
governments
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 should set up regulations to provide diet
menus
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, regime
menus
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, and fatty
menus
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 with detailed prices to help
people
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 choose orders based on their needs.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both hands explain healthy
food
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 properly to increase
people
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’s attention to healthy
food
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.
Therefore
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, I believe
governments
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 should run advertisements about diet, meal plans, and
food
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 to encourage
people
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 to choose healthy options, with all
price
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 details.

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Task response
State your main view more clearly. You mostly disagree, but some parts say that lower prices for unhealthy food may help. Keep one clear view from the start to the end.
Task response
Answer the key point: should the state make unhealthy food cost more? Explain why this would or would not improve health. Your ideas about menus, food facts, and ads are useful, but they do not fully answer the price question.
Task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, say that higher prices may hurt poor people, or that clear food facts help people make their own choice.
Task response
Use more real and clear examples. The examples about an experiment and KPR are not explained enough. Say who took part, what changed, and what the result was.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and an ending. However, the second main part is hard to follow because it moves from restaurant honesty to lower prices and then to menu types.
Coherence and cohesion
Give each body paragraph one main idea. For example, one paragraph can be about fair prices and poor families. The next can be about food labels and ads.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear linking words to show the path of your ideas: First, Also, However, For this reason, and In conclusion. Make sure each link matches the idea after it.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words and phrases such as “both hands,” “the real price,” and “unreality.” Use direct words: “Both sides,” “the full cost,” and “false claims.”
Coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat “customers and clients.” In this topic, “people,” “buyers,” or “customers” is enough.
Task response
You give a clear general view that people should have food facts and freedom to choose.
Task response
You include ways the state can help, such as calorie lists, menu details, and ads about healthy food.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a clear basic shape with an opening, body paragraphs, and a final paragraph.
Coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking phrases such as “On the one hand,” “For example,” “As a result,” and “In conclusion.”
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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