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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men, even though in many developed countries the workforce is over 50 percent. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. To what extent do you agree?

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Some people believe that
companies
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 should hire more
women
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 for critical
positions
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, as it is evident that in many countries, a significant proportion of high-level
positions
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 are occupied by men.
Although
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 there are inequitable conditions in
companies
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’ rules for promotion, I believe that
gender
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 should not influence a hiring manager’s selection process.
Instead
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, only the qualifications and competencies of job candidates should be considered.
Therefore
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, I do not agree with allocating a fixed percentage of leadership roles to either
gender
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. Despite the efforts of NGOs and activists to reduce discrimination in
companies
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 and society at large,
it is clear that
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 even in the 21st century,
women
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 face significant barriers to advancement. Sociologists and human resource specialists often highlight the glass ceiling phenomenon, which prevents
women
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 from reaching top-tier
positions
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 within organizations.
This
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 invisible barrier means that decision-makers in promotions often overlook
women
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's abilities and skills,
favoring
Change the spelling
favouring
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 male
employees
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instead
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.
Consequently
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,
women
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 are frequently confined to middle-management roles, not because of their lack of qualifications but
due to
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 their
gender
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.
For instance
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, when two
employees
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 with equal qualifications compete for promotion, managers often prioritize the male candidate over the female one, perpetuating systemic inequality.
On the other hand
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, if
companies
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 focus solely on merit-based promotions and consider only the skills and expertise of candidates, it would encourage
employees
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 to enhance their professional competencies.
This
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 approach would motivate individuals to invest in upskilling and continuous development through specialized training and certifications.
As a result
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,
employees
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 would feel more driven to excel, boosting their productivity and engagement.
Such
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 improvements in employee performance would ultimately benefit organizations by helping them achieve their goals more efficiently and fostering a competitive work environment. In conclusion,
gender
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 continues to play a significant role in promotions within most
companies
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, creating challenges for
women
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 aspiring to attain high-level roles. I believe that
gender
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 should be eliminated as a criterion for promotion, and both female and male
employees
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 should be given equal opportunities to advance based on their skills and achievements. Allocating a proportion of
positions
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 based on
gender
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 is not a sustainable solution and may even undermine the principles of fairness and meritocracy.

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task achievement
Consider broadening the range of examples to enrich the essay, potentially including global or diverse industry contexts.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is cohesive, gentle attention to ensuring each paragraph smoothly transitions may slightly uplift readability.
coherence cohesion
The introduction presents a clear stance on the issue and is well-articulated, effectively setting up the argument.
coherence cohesion
Strong conclusion that succinctly summarizes the main points of the essay, reinforcing the thesis.
task achievement
The use of terms like 'glass ceiling' displays a strong command of relevant vocabulary, illustrating a depth of understanding.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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