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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some countries encourage teenagers to have part time job and see it is a good thing, while others disagree. Give your opinion and explain both views.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, we mostly see young
growing
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
adults having a work occupation. It has
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 a source of debate whereby
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 some encourage them to
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 in
part time
Correct your spelling
part-time
 jobs
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
while
Linking Words
,
others
Correct word choice
while others
show examples
 are not okay with that. In my own
perception
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perception,
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 I strongly agree , as it
permit
Correct subject-verb agreement
permits
show examples
 them to be independent and
prepare
Correct subject-verb agreement
prepares
show examples
 them for early
maturity
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Above all
Linking Words
,
It
Fix capitalization
it
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 enables them to be independent. Having an opportunity will enable you to have a salary
at the end
Linking Words
 of month.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 money you earn
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 can be
able
Verb problem
used
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 to pay your needs, cares, requirements and may sometimes assist their guardians to pay home rents or can pay their own if they wish to live alone.
For example
Linking Words
,
Accordinng
Correct your spelling
According
 to CNN
most
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, most
show examples
british
Capitalize the proper name
British
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 teenagers
pays
Correct subject-verb agreement
pay
show examples
 for their
rents
Check wording
rent
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 and
neccesities
Correct your spelling
necessities
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they are mostly supported to continue like that
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is beneficial for them.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, it prepares them
to
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for
show examples
 early
maturity
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because by having a work opportunity
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
you will instinctively think
open minded
Correct your spelling
open-minded
 for the
future
Use synonyms
 on how to save, a
future
Use synonyms
 schedule
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 your life and how much you need for
tomorrow
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tomorrow's
show examples
 priorities.
For
Linking Words
instance
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instance,
show examples
 a teenager working actually will instinctively think about saving for his
future
Use synonyms
 purpose
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can be a car, a house or for his
future
Use synonyms
 pension.
Thus
Linking Words
, at
this
Linking Words
 early
Use synonyms
maturity
Add a comma
maturity,
show examples
 he will be able to succeed much easier that those who did not
worked
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 at their age.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly agree as it enables them to depend on
their own
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 by being able to fund their
need
Check wording
needs
show examples
, cares, rents and promote
maturity
Use synonyms
 ahead by preparing them for
future
Use synonyms
 savings , plans, and
pension
Check wording
pensions
show examples
.

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task response
You give your own view clearly, and you explain why part-time work can help teenagers. However, the question also asks for the other view. Add a full body part about why some people do not agree, such as less time for study, rest, or family.
task response
Make your main ideas more complete. Explain how a job can teach work skills, time use, and money use. Then explain why these gains may be less important if school work goes down.
task response
Use examples that are clear and true. The CNN example is too general and may not be true. You can use a simple made-up example, such as a student who works at a shop on weekends and still has time for school.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this shape, but add one full part for the view you do not support before you give your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Use one point in each paragraph. In the first main part, focus only on money and being more independent. In the second, focus only on skills and growing up. This will make the ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Try: “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “As a result”. Do not use “Above all” if it is not the most important point.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same point of view. You move from “them” to “you” and then “he”. Choose one form, such as “teenagers” and “they”, throughout the essay.
task response
Your view is clear from the start: you think part-time jobs can help teenagers become more independent and ready for adult life.
task response
You give two useful reasons for your view: earning money and planning for the future.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has clear paragraph breaks, and each main paragraph begins with a clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph restates your main view and brings the essay to a clear end.
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