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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

n some countries, a few people earn extremely high salaries. Some people think that this is good for a country, while others believe that the government should control salaries and limit the amount people can earn. Discuss both sides and express your opinion.

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Introduction
In today's world, in some
countries
Use synonyms
,
people
Use synonyms
 earn high
salaries
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,
while
Linking Words
 in other
countries
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 government
is deciding
Wrong verb form
decides
show examples
 the amount of
salary
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people
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 should
gain
Verb problem
earn
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. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will examine both approaches thoroughly and will give my perspective on
this
Linking Words
 issue.
Body paragraph 1
In well-developed
countries
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, mainly in
Europe
Punctuation problem
Europe,
show examples
people
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 earn high
salaries
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. High
salaries
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makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
people
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's
life more
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 easier and
satisfied
Replace the word
more satisfying
. Foreigners who live in
countries
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 with low
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salary
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salaries
show examples
 aim to move to
better
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a better
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 country with higher
wage
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wages
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 for better career opportunities.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
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persue
Correct your spelling
pursue
 their whole
live
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life
 to make more money, and some
countries
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 give that chance to individuals. Earning
extremely
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an extremely
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 high
salary
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 make employee independent
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they can squander their money in the way they want
,
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;
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meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 in
countries
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 where
government
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the government
show examples
 controls
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
salaries
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salaries,
show examples
people
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 do not have that kind of
opportunities
Check wording
opportunity
show examples
. Some
countries
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 value the same profession differently.
For example
Linking Words
, scientists in China earn extremely high
salaries
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,
while
Linking Words
 scientists in middle Asian
countries
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 earn
average
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an average
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salary
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
extremely
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an extremely
show examples
 high
salary
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 can destroy countrie's economy. If one profession will have higher
salary
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 than
Linking Words
overall
Add an article
the overall
show examples
professions
Punctuation problem
professions,
show examples
 it will damage the balance between them.
For instance
Linking Words
, if
doctor
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a doctor
show examples
 will have much higher wage than
policeman
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a policeman
show examples
, everybody would choose to be a doctor in that dilemma.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 controls the amount of
salaries
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 in order to save money for military or civil life improvements.
Conclusion
In conclusion, well-developed
countries
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 have the opportunity to pay
extremly
Correct your spelling
extremely
 high
salaries
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 to
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 residents,
while
Linking Words
 other
countries
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 try to
ovoid
Correct your spelling
avoid
 it for other areas. From my point of
view
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view,
show examples
 it is beneficial for the country to make workers'
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salary
Check wording
salaries
show examples
 high because it improves the level of
people
Use synonyms
's satisfaction։

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why very high pay helps the whole country, not only one worker.
task response
Your view is clear at the end, but it should also be stated in the first part. Say if the state should set a limit, or if pay should mostly be decided by work and skill.
task response
Some main points need more support. For example, explain how high pay can bring in skilled people, more work, or new business. Also explain how a large pay gap can harm society.
task response
The example about doctors and police is useful, but it is too simple. Add what may happen if too many people choose one job and too few choose another important job.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep one main idea in each body part and develop it before moving to the next idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as “Moreover”, “On the other hand”, and “For example” are helpful, but each one should show a clear link with the sentence before it.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the meaning is not fully clear. For example, say “people may choose to become doctors instead of police officers” rather than “everybody would choose to be a doctor in that dilemma.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very broad claims such as “mainly in Europe.” Focus on the idea of the essay instead: countries with strong economies may be able to offer higher pay.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show good points of high pay, problems with very high pay, and your own view.
task response
You use examples about scientists, doctors, and police officers to make your ideas more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, a paragraph for each side, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts, such as “On the other hand” and “In conclusion,” to guide the reader.
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