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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A government has a responsibility to its citizens to ensure their safety. Therefore, some people think that the government should increase spending on defence but spend less on social benefits. To what extent do you agree?

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Introduction
In our
society
Add a comma
society,
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 the government plays a major role in maintaining the safety of
it
Correct determiner usage
its
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 people. It is
been
Wrong verb form
apply
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argued that they should increase their funds on the protection of
it
Correct determiner usage
its
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 citizens, but supply few
fund
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funds
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 to social advantages. In my own perception, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
, as protecting
it
Correct determiner usage
its
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population
Use synonyms
 is the most fundamental of all and benefits other nations.
Body paragraph 1
Above all
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, without
safety
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safety,
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 there is no life
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 makes it the priority.
This
Linking Words
 is because if the authority does not spend much on
defence
Use synonyms
 to recruit the military,police officers or state authority and buy enough weapons to protect it citizens we are more in cases we are expose to war or crime rates as there is no body and material to protect the
population
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 causing dead rate and creating an insecure zone to live as life is the priority and without life the
population
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 will not exist.
As a result
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,
reducing
Wrong verb form
apply
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the
amount of
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apply
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population
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.
Verb problem
is reduced.
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 For
exmaple
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example
, the USA is one of the most populated
country
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countries
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 in the world as the state spend majority of fund on the army to protect
it
Correct determiner usage
its
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population
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
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, we can clearly see that it should be the first as compared to others.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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, it is
benefial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for other nations.
This
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 is because there exist many
countries
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 that need assistance
as because of
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due to
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 war or
insecurity
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security
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 troubles, so those
countries
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who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 lack
defence
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 can ask them in order to
be
Verb problem
apply
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protect their territory.
Linking Words
consequently
Capitalize the word
Consequently
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, increasing the safety of other
countries
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which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is more profitable for them
Linking Words
For
Punctuation problem
. For
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 instance,
Ukraine
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the Ukrainian government's
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 war with Russia caused the
ukrainian goverment
Correct your spelling
Ukrainian government
 to ask
military
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for military
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 help
to
Change preposition
from
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 the USA and the
european union
Capitalize the proper name
European Union
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.
Thus
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, the enough fund spend on those strong nations helped the other ones
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 lack
defence
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly agree that the state should spend on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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defence
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 as it ensures the protection of
it
Correct determiner usage
its
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 citizens and it
assist
Correct subject-verb agreement
assists
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 other
countries
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who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 do not have enough
defence
Use synonyms
 force which is beneficial for them, even though we should not forget to spend
also
Linking Words
 on social benefits.

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task response
Give a clearer answer to how far you agree. You can say that defence is important, but social help must not be cut too much.
task response
Explain why social help is still needed. For example, money for health, schools, homes, and help for poor people can also make a country safe and strong.
task response
Your main ideas need more proof. The point that more army spending makes the USA more populated is not clear and does not show cause and effect.
task response
Use examples with care. The Ukraine example shows help from other countries, but explain more clearly how this supports your view about government spending.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. However, make each body part focus on one clear idea and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences. Split them into short sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words in a more natural way. For example: First, This means that, However, For example, As a result, and In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same idea about safety and life many times in the first body part. Add one new reason or one clear example instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end match your main view. You say defence should come first, but also say social help should not be forgotten. State this balance clearly in the opening as well.
task response
You answer the main question and give a clear view that defence spending is important.
task response
You use two main reasons: protecting people at home and helping other countries.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape, with an opening, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use examples, such as the USA, Ukraine, Russia, and the European Union, to support your points.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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