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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

With the rapid advancement of communication technology: smartphones, tablets and other mobile devices, some people believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In recent years, the rapid promotion of communication
technology
Use synonyms
, namely smartphones, tablets, and other mobile devices,
some
Verb problem
has led some
show examples
people
Use synonyms
believe
Change preposition
to believe
show examples
 that the drawbacks outweigh the advantages.
from
Capitalize the word
From
show examples
 my perspective, I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 view since digital
technology
Use synonyms
made
Verb problem
has made
show examples
 our
live
Replace the word
lives
 easier and it can be used to invent new explorations.
Body paragraph 1
One main aspect
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 view is that phones are the easiest way of communication or working.
This
Linking Words
 is because
technology
Use synonyms
 is made to simplify study or work, which means
people
Use synonyms
 will have more time to
talking
Wrong verb form
talk
show examples
 with others
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the messenger.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays can easily communicate with other nations, if they
located
Verb problem
are located
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Central Asia and
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
show examples
 to observe different traditions of
western
Add an article
the western
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 part of the world.
For instance
Linking Words
, a 2023 study from Harvard University found that employees who work with digital
technology
Use synonyms
 reported a 12% increase in daily productivity because they could finish it faster.
Body paragraph 2
Another idea for
this
Linking Words
 statement is that
technology
Use synonyms
used
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 a key to new innovations or explorations.
This
Linking Words
 means that it helps to understand things that cannot be reached by humanity
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as new planets or stars,
whereas
Linking Words
technology
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 have opportunity to solve
such
Linking Words
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
problems with
function
Add an article
the function
show examples
 to
analyze
Change the spelling
analyse
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, if the government
would
Wrong verb form
were to
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 give public funding for individuals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 can create
prototype
Add an article
a prototype
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 of
machine
Add an article
a machine
show examples
 that will carry things from
space
Punctuation problem
space,
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 it
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 give us
deeper
Add an article
a deeper
show examples
 understanding
creation
Change preposition
of the creation
show examples
 of space. A case in point is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the US spent about $500 millions to invent
technology
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 that can help to communicate from space
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 Earth.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I fully disagree with
this
Linking Words
 point because technologies
made
Verb problem
have made
show examples
 our lives
more
Rephrase
apply
show examples
easier with a lot of functions to communicate
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 could assist
people
Use synonyms
 to analyze about different creatures
out of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 Earth.

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task response
Your view is clear: you disagree that the bad points are greater. However, you need to talk about the bad points too. Say why they are real, but less important than the good points. This will answer the question more fully.
task response
Keep your main ideas close to mobile devices. The point about space study is too wide. Write more about how phones and tablets help people learn, work, get help, and speak with family far away.
task response
Explain each example more clearly. For example, after the work study, show how faster work is a good point of mobile technology. Do not use facts or studies unless you can explain them well.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, two main parts, and end. Make the first line stronger and more direct: say that you disagree because the good points are greater than the bad points.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body part. The first body part is about communication and work, which fit well together. The second part should stay on one simple idea, such as learning or health, instead of moving to space.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words: First, Also, However, For example, Therefore, and In conclusion. Make sure the link shows the right meaning. For example, 'Consequently' should lead to a result that comes from the line before it.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the meaning changes or the word order is not clear. Write shorter sentences and check who does what. For example: 'People in Central Asia can use their phones to learn about life in Western countries.'
task response
You clearly give your own view from the start and keep the same view to the end.
task response
You give two main good points: easier communication and new work in science.
coherence and cohesion
Your body parts each begin with a main point, and you use examples to try to support them.
coherence and cohesion
You include a conclusion that repeats your main view.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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