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Band 7.5

Some people are concerned that children spend too much time on computers playing games, chatting and watching videos but all this time is actually good preparation for children, who will have to spend many hours working on computers throughout their education and their working lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

7.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is argued that
although
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 some individuals are worried about the extravagant amount of
time
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children
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 spend on
computers
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 for entertainment and social interaction, others believe that these activities can help prepare them for a future in which digital technology plays an essential role in both education and employment.In
this
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 essay strongly agree with
this
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 view,
Body paragraph 1
One of the main reasons why spending
time
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 on
computers
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 can benefit
children
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 is that it helps them develop essential digital skills from an early age. By engaging in activities
such
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 as playing online games, watching videos and communicating with others,
children
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 gradually become more familiar with digital platforms and technological tools.
For example
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, certain online games encourage players to solve complex problems, make quick decisions and work collaboratively with others. These abilities can be valuable in educational environments where students are increasingly expected to complete assignments, conduct research and participate in online discussions.
Therefore
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, regular exposure to
computers
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 can provide
children
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 with a strong foundation for their future academic development.
Body paragraph 2
Another significant advantage is that early exposure to
computers
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 can prepare
children
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 for the demands of modern workplaces. As technology continues to transform various industries, digital competence has become an essential requirement in many professions.
Children
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 who regularly use
computers
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 may develop greater confidence in navigating digital systems and adapting to unfamiliar software.
For instance
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, those who frequently communicate through online platforms may become more comfortable with digital collaboration, a skill widely used in professional settings.
However
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,
this
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 does not mean that unlimited screen
time
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 is beneficial, as excessive use may negatively affect
children
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's physical health and social development.
Instead
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, a balanced approach can allow them to gain valuable technological experience
while
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 maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
Body paragraph 3
Conclusion
Conclusion
In conclusion, I largely agree that spending
time
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 on
computers
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 can be beneficial for
children
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's future education and employment. Digital activities can strengthen their technological abilities and help them adapt to an increasingly digital world.
Nevertheless
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, parents should ensure that screen
time
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 is managed appropriately so that
children
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 can enjoy these advantages without compromising their
overall
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 well-being.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Write: “I strongly agree that computer use can prepare children for school and work, but it should be limited.” This matches your final view better.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but explain more directly why games, chatting, and videos each help children. At present, games are explained well, while chatting and videos get less support.
task response
Use one more clear, real example. For example, explain how watching a science video can help a child learn new ideas, or how online group work can help with school tasks.
task response
The point about too much screen time is useful, but keep it short and link it more closely to your view. Make clear that the problem is too much time, not computer use itself.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
The first sentence has a grammar gap: “In this essay strongly agree with this view.” Write: “In this essay, I strongly agree with this view.”
coherence and cohesion
Put “Conclusion” in the same style as the rest of the essay, or leave it out. A normal final paragraph is enough.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long. Split them when you can, so the reader can follow your ideas more easily.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view that computer use can help children in later school and work life.
task response
Your two main points are useful and on topic: digital skills for school and comfort with computer tools for work.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph starts with a clear main idea, and the examples support that idea.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “For example”, “Therefore”, “However”, and “In conclusion” help the essay move in a clear way.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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