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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that schools should teach students how to become good citizens. Others believe that this should be the role of parents. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
The role of the school in the rise of the
children
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been discussed over the years. Some people believe that educative institution have the
responsability
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of teaching correct
behaviour
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 to their
leaners
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learners
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, some residents believe it is a
Use synonyms
parents
Check wording
parent's
show examples
 task. In my personal opinion, the values and tools to become a
well-
Replace the word
well-behaved
behaviour
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 individual came from home.
Body paragraph 1
One of the major arguments for why the schools needs takes care of
promote
Wrong verb form
promoting
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 well
behaviour
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 in students is that they
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 most time
in the
Change preposition
on
show examples
 campus.
For example
Linking Words
, there are numerous institutions, where
children
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 can live in their facilities
, in
Punctuation problem
. In
show examples
this
Linking Words
 scenario, if their
parents
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 are
ausent
Correct your spelling
absent
, the professors would have to teach the values and
basic
Replace the word
basics
 to be an excellent resident.
Additionally
Linking Words
, an
educative
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educational
 institution can develop a standard plan to adjust
their
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its
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 core values, mission and
vission
Correct your spelling
vision
 with the current global scenario, which facilitates the
merge
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integration
 of the students in the wider society.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, as being a good citizen is not just
have a
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about having
show examples
 good
behaviour
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 but
also
Linking Words
respect
Wrong verb form
respecting
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 everyone
else
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else's
show examples
 opinion,
parents
Use synonyms
 have a fundamental job in
this
Linking Words
 task.
Moreover
Linking Words
, part of raising
up
Rephrase
apply
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a child is teaching the goodness of life, and how people can live in community.
Additionally
Linking Words
, a parent role can not be
remplaced
Correct your spelling
replaced
 by a teacher, which is
job
Add an article
a job
show examples
 and
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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 not generate an extremely strong
relatioship
Correct your spelling
relationship
 as parent-child.
For instance
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,
children
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 admire their
parents
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 and have
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 strong relationship
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
 for that reason, they are going to have more influence
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
behaviour
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 and can guide
more
Correct pronoun usage
them more
show examples
 in their path.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 schools can help in
molding
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moulding
show examples
 the
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children
Check wording
children's
show examples
behaviour
Use synonyms
 to be an excellent resident, it is the parent responsability to ensure the correct development of
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 personality and their goodness in the wider society.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. To improve, explain more clearly why parents are the main people to teach good citizenship, while schools can support them.
task response
Use the exact idea in the question: a good citizen. Some parts talk only about good behaviour. Add ideas such as helping others, following rules, and respecting people with different views.
task response
Your school example about children living at school is relevant, but it is not common for most children. Add a more usual example, such as teachers using group work, class rules, or local projects.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: introduction, school view, parent view, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the main idea of each body paragraph clearer in its first sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Write shorter sentences with one main point. For example: 'Schools can teach shared rules because children spend many hours there.'
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use 'Additionally' many times. Try other simple links such as 'For example', 'Also', 'However', 'As a result', and 'Therefore'.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence of each body paragraph link back to the question. This will help the reader see how the example supports your main point.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the school view, the parent view, and your own opinion.
task response
Your opinion is clear from the introduction and stays the same in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas are placed in a sensible order, and the conclusion gives a clear final view.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples to support both main paragraphs, which helps the reader understand your ideas.
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