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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people are concerned that children spend too much time on computers playing games, chatting and watching videos but all this time is actually good preparation for children, who will have to spend many hours working on computers throughout their education and their working lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
The issue of the
children
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 who spend
to
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too
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 much
time
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 on
the digtial
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digital technology has been the subject of
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technology
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 has considerable debate in recent years.Some people believe that
children
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 should not spend a long
time
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 on
computers
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planing
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playing
 games ,chatting and watching videos,
while
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 others argue that it is useful for
children
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 to spend
time
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 foe working on
computers
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 throughout their
education
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 and their working lives.
This
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 essay will examine both
persperctives
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perspectives
 before offering my own opinion.
Although
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 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that it is a
benefical
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beneficial
 notion for
children
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spend
Verb problem
to spend
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 a long
time
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on
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working on computers
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computers
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 to working.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate that it is a
benefical
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beneficial
 notion for
children
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 to spend a long
time
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at
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apply
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working on
computers
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 throughout their
education
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 and their working lives argue that many people become successful because they use
the
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apply
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digital
technology
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 for studying.The main reason is that
the
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apply
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technology
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 nowadays has many advantages .
For example
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,it can assist students
to explain
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in explaining
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 anything for their
education
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,and to make quizzes for students to practice.
Furthermore
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,the
technology
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 not only
assist
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assists
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 students
on
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in
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 their
education
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,but
also
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to improve
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improves
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 their skills ,and
learn
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helps them learn
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a
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apply
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new languages.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,many who hold the belief that
children
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 should not spend too much
time
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 on
computers
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 playing games,chatting and watching emphasise that it might distract them
on
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from
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 their
education
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 .The main reason is that many
children
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 do not pay attention
on
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to
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 their
education
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,and they think playing games
are
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is
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 more important
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then
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than
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 their
education
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,which might increase unemployment.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 there are valid arguments on both sides,I firmly believe that it is a useful notion for
children
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spend
Verb problem
to spend
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 a long
time
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on
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working on computers
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computers
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 to working.The reasons outlined above clearly
demonstarte
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demonstrate
 that it can help people
on
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with
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 their
education
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,
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apply
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and their future.

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task response
Give a clear answer in the first part: say how far you agree or disagree. Your essay says both that too much computer use is bad and that it is good, but the final view is not fully clear.
task response
Talk more directly about games, chatting, and videos. These are not the same as using a computer for school work. Explain why some screen time may help, but too much free time online may cause harm.
task response
Build each main idea with a reason and a clear example. For example, say how a child can learn to type, find school facts, or make a short class task. Then explain why this helps later in work.
task response
Make the second main point stronger. The link from games to unemployment is too big and is not explained. Focus on more direct effects, such as less sleep, less study time, or less time with family and friends.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear plan: introduction, one paragraph for your first reason, one paragraph for your second reason, and a short end. Your overall plan is easy to see, but some ideas repeat.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one simple main point. Then add details that support only that point. In the first body paragraph, school help, skills, and language learning can be linked more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “For example”, “Furthermore”, and “However” can help, but make sure the next sentence truly follows the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
task response
You discuss both sides of the issue and give your own view at the end.
task response
You include useful ideas about computers helping with school, skills, and language learning.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two main body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “To sum up”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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