IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world go hungry. why is this the caces? what can be done about this problem?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
It is undisputed that agriculture has
been
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
evolved a lot
due to
Linking Words
 modern science and technology. Regardless of
such
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 changes, a crucial number of people around the world have inadequate
food
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 and,
therfore
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therefore
, suffer from health
disease
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diseases
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. I
stongly
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strongly
 believe that there is a combination of reasons for the case existing, and the most
spread
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widespread
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 one is the low level of residents' income or high rate of unemployment.
This
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 essay will examine my points of view in detail and offer strategies to avoid the issue.
Body paragraph 1
It is argued that
technology-driven
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a technology-driven
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 world provokes problems in the
labor
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labour
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 market, particularly because robotics and automated machines take over employees'
works
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work
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 in
manufactories
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manufacturing
 or data-processing fields. Ultimately,
a
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apply
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structural unemployment is an inevitable problem. Workers
loss
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lose
 their
working places
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workplaces
 and cannot find
job
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a job
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, and their
family
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families
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 take a
fincancial
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financial
 burden, having a shortage
money
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of money
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 to buy
food
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.
For example
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, most residents from a village in the Chuvash Republic, where
i
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I
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 am
native
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a native
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from
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apply
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, lost their permanent
job
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jobs
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 in a beer factory
due to
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 robotics, and most of them do not have money to purchase
stapple
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staple
food
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. To deal with the problem, governments should provide reforms in the
labor
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labour
show examples
 market and
struggle with
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address
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 unemployment.
Body paragraph 2
Another reason is the low income in the non-developed countries. Despite
of
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apply
show examples
the fact
,
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apply
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 that
agruclture
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agriculture
 has been improved, individuals
recieve
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receive
 tiny wages , basically in Africa,
part
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parts
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 of Asia, and there is
a
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apply
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hunger.
For example
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,
i
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I
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 have seen a
documantery
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documentary
 recently about South Africa, and
there is
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it
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 can be seen
like
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that
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 adults die from poverty and hunger, and how they care about their
childs
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children
. To deal with the problem , states must support
such
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 families by loans, financial incentives and provide
great
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a great
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 supply.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I am convinced that
authority
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authorities
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 must shoulder responsibilities
about
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for
show examples
 their low-income residents by providing support , adequate
food
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 and job places

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task response
Answer both parts of the question in a more direct way. Explain why food is not shared well, why some places have war or bad weather, and why poor people cannot buy food. Your main cause, job loss from robots, is possible, but it is not the main reason for hunger in many parts of the world.
task response
Make the ideas more full. For each cause, show clearly how it leads to hunger. Then give one clear action that can help. For example, governments can give food help now, and can also help small farms grow more food in the long term.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. The village example is useful, but add more detail about how many jobs were lost and why people could not find other work. Be careful with the South Africa example: one film may not show the whole country.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each body part follow the same order: cause, result, example, and answer.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “One main reason is...”, “This means that...”, “As a result,...”, and “To solve this problem,...”. Do not use “For example” too often in the same way.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end match the main body. It should sum up both causes and both answers, not only low pay and jobs. A short, clear final view is enough.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long sentences with many ideas. This can make your meaning hard to follow. Write shorter sentences, especially when you explain the link between job loss, low pay, and hunger.
task response
You give a clear view that hunger is linked to low pay and lack of work, and you try to give answers for both points.
task response
You use real-life examples, including one from your home area. This makes your writing more personal and easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape: an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “Regardless”, “Ultimately”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • food insecurity
  • nutritious food
  • regional disparities
  • economic barriers
  • political instability
  • agricultural productivity
  • climate change
  • extreme weather events
  • infrastructure
  • supply chains
  • consumer habits
  • food waste
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