IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is observed that, currently, more and more people are working longer hours. What are the causes of this phenomenon? What effects does this have on society?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, it is observed that there is a huge
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of people who have a lot of hours
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 their
jobsites
Correct your spelling
job sites
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will point
the
Verb problem
out the
show examples
 effects
like
Change preposition
, such as
show examples
 a rise in
demand
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 productivity and the desire to earn more to provide their necessities ,
while
Linking Words
 talking about their impacts on the social aspect.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
, the rise in
demand
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 productivity is a great source of influence.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly at
times
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 a rise in
demand
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a company.
For instance
Linking Words
, a manufacturing company that produces chocolates in constant
demand
Use synonyms
 of it customer will lead to a significant number of working hours to produce
this
Linking Words
.
Thus
Linking Words
, the employees might be forced to deliver the amount requested to overcome the needs of
it
Correct determiner usage
its
show examples
 clients.
As a result
Linking Words
, they will
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 most of their
Use synonyms
times
Check wording
time
show examples
 in their workspace on the
ground
Check wording
grounds
show examples
 of work.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, another reason is to earn more income. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 is insufficient
wage
Check wording
wages
show examples
 earned to provide all their needs.
Therefore
Linking Words
, people will tend to work more hours to have more money.
For example
Linking Words
, from a survey of the
USA
Add a comma
USA,
show examples
 it is seen that 31% of the working population have more than 2 jobs.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, one major effect can be
stress
Use synonyms
. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 is the excess workload
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
show examples
 if it is mentally demanding,
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 an impact on the brain. The excess thinking can be deplorable
causing
Punctuation problem
, causing
show examples
 individuals to
stress
Use synonyms
 under
this
Linking Words
 condition.
As a result
Linking Words
, they will not be concentrated at
times
Use synonyms
 on what they are doing
due to
Linking Words
 fatigue.
In particular
Linking Words
, electrical Engineers experience a greater amount of
stress
Use synonyms
 than those
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 other jobs.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
,
this
Linking Words
 can weaken relation.
This
Linking Words
 is because spending much time at work will not permit you to have excess time with your relatives.
Consequently
Linking Words
, making relation to be fragile and weird at
times
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, we can clearly see that the effect of
this
Linking Words
phenomenom
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
 is
due to
Linking Words
demand
Use synonyms
 in productivity and desire to earn
more
Correct word choice
a higher
show examples
 wage ,but may result in
stress
Use synonyms
 and fragilise relations.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the question: why people work long hours and how this affects society. Keep this clear plan in each body part.
task response
Make the causes more direct. For example, say that firms need more work when sales rise, and that some people work extra hours because pay is not enough for rent, food, and bills.
task response
Explain the social effects in more detail. Stress can lead to poor health, less sleep, and less time for family and friends. This shows how the problem affects more than one person.
task response
Use examples that are clear and fully linked to your point. The USA survey is useful, but say where it came from only if you are sure it is true. You can also use a general example without a number.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Put causes in one body paragraph and effects in the next. Your first body paragraph does this, but its first sentence says it will discuss effects when it is really about causes.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links in a more natural way: "First," "Another cause is," "As a result," and "This means that." Do not use too many links in every sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The paragraph about stress is clear, but the point about family ties should have its own short paragraph or a clearer move to a new idea.
coherence and cohesion
Make your ending match the body more closely. Say that long hours are caused by work needs and low pay, and that they can harm health and family life.
task response
You give two causes and two effects, so the essay deals with the full question.
task response
The ideas about low pay, stress, and less family time are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The use of "For instance," "As a result," and "Therefore" often shows the link between an idea and its result.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion gives a short summary of the main points.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: