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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that listening to music can be a useful way to improve the efficiency, but others believe that music distracts from daily routine. Give your opinion to this statement.

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Introduction
Some
music
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 listeners completely believe that
music
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 can be a helpful way to enhance
the
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apply
show examples
people
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's
life
Check wording
lives
show examples
. Others,
however
Linking Words
, think that
music
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 may confuse some
people
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especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 as a lifestyle. In my opinion, I
partialy
Correct your spelling
partially
 believe that
music
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 may help
people
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 to be more productive
particularly
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, particularly
show examples
 in their daily tasks.
Body paragraph 1
O
Correct your spelling
On
 the one hand, nowadays, listening to
music
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 daily has become
availabe
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available
 for anyone who has a phone and internet, and there are many beneficial resources that may help
people
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 to listen to
various
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a variety
 of enjoyable podcasts and songs, which aids them to do their daily tasks more smoothly.
For example
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, I have noticed that when
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 do my assignment
during
Correct word choice
while
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 listening to
a
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apply
show examples
music
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,
i
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I
show examples
 can do it
fastly
Rephrase
quickly
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 and effectively.
Thus
Linking Words
, listening to
a
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apply
show examples
music
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 during do a homework or
an exercise
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exercising
 can help individuals to focus and be productive or creative somehow.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
of
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apply
show examples
music
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 platforms or channels are harmful.
Linking Words
although
Capitalize the word
Although
show examples
 listening to
a
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apply
show examples
music
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 may help
people
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 in their daily tasks, it may cause
increasing
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an increase
 in dopamine for most
of
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apply
show examples
people
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depending
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, depending
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 on
which
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the
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 kind of
music
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 they listen
.
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to.
show examples
For example
Linking Words
, in
the German
Replace the word
Germany
, the
governemnt
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government
 had banned some musical platforms to prevent children from listening to
it
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them
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, many parents have noticed that their kids do their
homeworks
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homework
show examples
 effectively without
and
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apply
show examples
distractions.
Conclusion
In conclusion. ahthough listen to
a
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apply
show examples
music
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 can make us feel energetic during
daily
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our daily
show examples
 routine, it is important to choose wisely which kind of
music
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 we
have to listen
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listen to
show examples
, and which platform we use as well.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say if music is mostly helpful, mostly harmful, or helpful only in some cases.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Explain why calm music may help with simple work, but why some music may stop people from thinking well.
task response
Use more careful examples. The example about Germany is not clear and has no clear link to the main point. A simple real-life example would work better.
task response
Stay close to the question about work and daily tasks. Parts about music platforms and dopamine need clearer links to efficiency.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, two main paragraphs, and an ending. Keep this shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body paragraph show the main idea clearly. Then add an explanation and one example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example: “On the one hand” for benefits, “However” for limits, and “Therefore” for the result.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear phrases such as “confuse some people especially as a lifestyle” and “productive or creative somehow”. Use short, direct sentences so the reader can follow your meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Check small grammar points because they can make links between ideas less clear: “On the one hand,” “listen to music,” “do homework,” and “more quickly.”
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view.
task response
You include examples from daily study and children doing homework.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraph breaks and includes an opening and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For example,” “As a result,” and “In conclusion” help guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • improve efficiency
  • boost motivation
  • increase productivity
  • repetitive tasks
  • daily routine
  • background music
  • upbeat music
  • calming music
  • instrumental tracks
  • music with lyrics
  • maintain concentration
  • cause distraction
  • deep focus
  • mental effort
  • complex tasks
  • work performance
  • personal preference
  • create a positive mood
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