IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is often said that crime is one of the main things that make the quality of life poorer. Crime in developed countries is one of the biggest problems in society. What are the causes of this problem and what measures can be taken to reduce it?

5.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Crime
Use synonyms
 rates have increased over the past few years, significantly affecting the lives of residents. The criminal activities have become one of the concerning issues for society in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
developed countries. Unemployment, excessive
internet
Use synonyms
 use and
drug
Use synonyms
 addiction are the key causes;
however
Linking Words
, several measures will be suggested in the following paragraphs to mitigate
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the younger generation has unlimited access to the
internet
Use synonyms
 to play games, visit different websites and use social media apps. When children use the
internet
Use synonyms
 excessively, they usually lose interest in their academics and gradually drop out of school at an early age. Poor academic performance leads them to a future with no job opportunities,
hence
Linking Words
 increasing the unemployment rate. A lack of career prospects is the primary cause of youngsters falling into unlawful acts.
Moreover
Linking Words
, distracted students join
wrong
Add an article
the wrong
show examples
 peer groups where they are forced to get into bad habits
such
Linking Words
 as
drug
Use synonyms
 addiction.
Drug
Use synonyms
 addicted individuals are more likely to engage
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 illegal acts when they cannot afford to buy drugs.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, these problems can be mitigated by careful parenting and
teacher’s
Check wording
teachers’
show examples
 guidance in schools. Parents should monitor the websites visited and
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
 spent by children on
Use synonyms
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
. They should encourage the children to focus on studies
as well as
Linking Words
 to participate in recreational activities.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, youngsters should know how to
utilize
Change the spelling
utilise
show examples
 their leisure time productively to keep them away from wrongdoings.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 can play a crucial role by enforcing strict laws for culprits and by opening more rehabilitation centres for
drug
Use synonyms
 addicts where they can get a chance to improve their future life. Free skill educational programs should be offered by authorities to deal with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unemployment.
Similarly
Linking Words
, educational awareness camps in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society can provide another help to curb these
crime
Use synonyms
issue
Check wording
issues
show examples
.
Conclusion
To summarise, I would say lack of education and job opportunities,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
greater access to
Use synonyms
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 and
drug
Use synonyms
 addiction are the primary reasons for increasing
crime
Use synonyms
 in the developed nations.
While
Linking Words
 careful parenting would be the best way to reduce
crime
Use synonyms
, governments have to take initiatives to promote educational programs and to impose strict punishments for criminals.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the task: you give causes and ways to cut crime. To make the answer stronger, explain each cause in a more direct way. For example, say how job loss can lead some people to steal, and how drug use can lead to crime.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but some links are too broad. The point about internet use needs more care: internet use does not always cause crime. Explain that poor control, harmful online groups, or too much time online may lead some young people away from school.
task response
Add one short, real-life example to make your points more full. For example, free job training can help school leavers find work instead of joining crime groups.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: an opening, causes, answers, and an end. Keep this plan in future work.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. In the causes part, the move from internet use to school failure, then job loss, then crime is long. Split it into shorter steps and use links such as 'As a result' and 'This can mean'.
coherence and cohesion
Some words are used too many times, such as 'crime', 'internet', and 'youngsters'. Use simple other words where possible, such as 'offences', 'online time', 'young people', or 'students'.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word-form and grammar points that can slow the reader down: write 'addicted to drugs', 'engage in illegal acts', 'the time children spend on the internet', and 'this crime issue' or, better, 'this issue of crime'.
task response
You give several clear causes, including lack of work, drug use, and poor school results, and you offer useful answers from parents, schools, and the government.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a clear purpose, and the last paragraph brings your main ideas together well.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as 'Moreover', 'Furthermore', 'In addition to this', and 'Similarly' to show how your ideas are connected.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • crime rate
  • delinquency
  • deterrent
  • marginalized
  • recidivism
  • rehabilitation
  • socioeconomic status
  • stigmatization
  • surveillance
  • felony
  • misdemeanour
  • justice system
  • enforcement
  • sanctions
  • disenfranchised
  • peer pressure
  • substance abuse
  • white-collar crime
  • cybercrime
  • community outreach
What to do next:
Look at other essays: