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Band 3.5

Some people argue that social media has a negative impact on young people. Whilst I completely agree with this statement because it can affect their mental health and waste their time, this essay will discuss the main reasons for my opinion.

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Introduction
irst
Correct your spelling
First
 of all, social
media
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 can negatively affect young
people
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's mental health. There are several reasons for
this
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,
such
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 as comparing themselves with others and feeling less confident.
For example
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, some young
people
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 compare their lives with the perfect images they see online.
As a result
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, they may feel unhappy with their own lives.
Body paragraph 1
Secondly
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, social
media
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 can waste young
people
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's time.
This
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 is because they often spend hours watching videos
instead
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 of studying or doing useful activities.
For example
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, some students use social
media
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 for a long time and leave their homework until late at night.
Therefore
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, their academic performance may become worse.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that social
media
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 has a negative impact on young
people
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.
Overall
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, it can affect their mental health and reduce the time they spend on studying and other important activities.

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task response
Your view is clear, and you give two main reasons. To make the answer more full, explain more about how online posts can make young people feel bad, and how lost time can harm school work and daily life.
task response
Your examples fit your main ideas, but they are quite general. Add one more clear detail in each body part, such as a young person who sees photos of rich lives every day or a student who cannot sleep after using a phone late at night.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow. It has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few more links to show how ideas join. For example, use “This can lead to ...”, “Because of this ...”, or “Another problem is ...”. Do not use too many links in one paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word errors at the start of sentences. For example, write “First of all” with the first letter present.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep your ideas on the topic of young people and social media.
task response
The two reasons are clear: mental health and time use. Both are explained with an example.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea, followed by a reason and an example. This makes the essay clear and easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
The ending repeats your main view and brings the two body ideas together well.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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