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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many children today are overweight and unhealthy Give reasons for this and give solutions to fix this.

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
Children
Use synonyms
 today are overweight and unhealthy.
This
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 is a serious
health
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 issue. There are many factors responsible for
this
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 problem.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons for child obesity and available solutions.
Body paragraph 1
There are many reasons why
children
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 today are unhealthy and overweight.
First,
Linking Words
children
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 always eat too much sugar. They snack on candy and love chocolate.
Also
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, they drink too much soda, like Pepsi and Miranda.
This
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 leads to serious
health
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 problems.
Second,
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they like to eat fast
food
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.
This
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food
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 is tasty but contains many calories.
Also
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, these restaurants are everywhere , and kids even order it from home.
Moreover
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, they don't do any exercise or go out.
Moreover
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, they sit at home and play video games.
This
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 means they do not burn calories or do anything physical.
Body paragraph 2
There are many solutions for
children
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 who don't take care of their
health
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 and gain weight.
First,
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children
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 should spend more time playing sports and doing exercise. They can
also
Linking Words
 join a gym and do regular workouts. In
this
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 way,
children
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 can be fit and stronger.
Secondly
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, they need to eat less fast
food
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.
This
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 will reduce the risk of disease and
health
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 problems. They should change their diet and eat more healthy
food
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, including vegetables.
Lastly
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,
children
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 should remove sugar from their diet. They should drink water
instead
Linking Words
 of soda.
Also
Linking Words
, snacking on fruit is better than candy and sugary treats.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
it is clear that
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 there are several reasons responsible for child obesity.
However
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, there are
also
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 many solutions to help them.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: causes and ways to help. To make your ideas stronger, explain each cause and each way in more depth. For example, say how too much sugar can make children gain weight over time, and how schools and parents can help children eat well.
task response
Your examples are clear, such as candy, soda, fast food, and video games. Add one more real-life example for each main idea. You could say that parents can keep fruit at home, or that schools can give children more time for sport.
task response
Be careful with ideas that may not fit all children. Saying that children should join a gym may not be easy for many families. Simple ideas such as walking, playing outside, or school sports are more useful.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear plan: an opening, one paragraph on causes, one on ways to help, and an ending. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used too many times, especially “Also” and “Moreover”. Use a wider mix, such as “For example”, “As a result”, “In addition”, and “Finally”.
coherence and cohesion
In the first main paragraph, put all food ideas together before you move to exercise. This will make the flow smoother. Then start a new part of the paragraph with a clear link such as “Another main cause is a lack of exercise.”
coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats the main point, but it could be more direct. Briefly name the two main causes and the two main ways to help, rather than only saying that there are reasons and solutions.
task response
You stay on the topic from start to end and give clear causes and clear ways to help children.
task response
The ideas are easy to understand and fit the topic well, especially unhealthy food, sugary drinks, and too little exercise.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main job, so the reader can follow your essay easily.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear order words such as “First”, “Second”, “Secondly”, and “Lastly” to show the order of your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • behave
  • better
  • punished
  • rewarded
  • believe
  • effective
  • arguing
  • immediately
  • unwanted
  • fear
  • pain
  • good
  • actions
  • praise
  • treated
  • learn
  • positive
  • feedback
  • happy
  • feel
  • repeat
  • future
  • create
  • problems
  • rather
  • learn
  • wrong
  • caught
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