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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that in the modern age, theaters and cinemas are no longer as important as people can watch all the entertainment they want on the internet. Others argue that these theatres and cinemas are still crucial both economically and culturally. Discuss both views and your own opinion.

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Introduction
Movies have become one of humanity's sources of
entertainment
Use synonyms
. Some
people
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 believe that with streaming apps available on the internet,
theatres
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 and
cinemas
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 are no longer necessary for
people
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that both of those have a role in the economy and
culture
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. I firmly believe that the availability of
cinemas
Use synonyms
 and
theatres
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 will
gives
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 several benefits.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
people
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 state that all kinds of
entertainment
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could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 be accessed through the internet, negating the existence of
theatres
Use synonyms
 and
cinemas
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. The advancement of technology, particularly on the internet, entertainments are one click away from
people
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. Many companies offer subscriptions for their users,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 facilitates users for accessing several forms of
entertainment
Use synonyms
 through applications on their phones.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 could watch movies anytime, anywhere, on their devices using Netflix's services.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon has led to opinions that
cinemas
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 and
theatres
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 are not necessary for
people
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 to
looking
Wrong verb form
look
show examples
 for
entertainment
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, which requires them to spend more time and money to visit.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, providing
cinemas
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 and
theatres
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 would boost economic growth and
afford
Verb problem
provide
show examples
 a stage to promote
culture
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 to the next generation.
Cinemas
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 &
theatres
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 offer
people
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with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
magnificent experiences of watching movies or performances
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as large
screen
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screens
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, crystal-clear sound, massive stages, and
make
Verb problem
attract
show examples
 many
people
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go
Verb problem
to go
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 to see them.
As a result
Linking Words
, tickets are often booked all across the country and might pave the way for supporting economic growth from creative sectors and automatically promote traditional
culture
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 for
next
Add an article
the next
show examples
 generations.
Conclusion
To
summarize
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summarise
show examples
,
although
Linking Words
 it is true that
people
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 could easily access
entertainment
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 online, I firmly believe that
cinemas
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 and
theatres
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 would help to preserve
national's
Check wording
national
show examples
culture
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 and
boosting
Wrong verb form
boost
show examples
 economic growth.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why cinemas and theatres help culture and the economy. For example, say how a local theatre can keep old music, dance, or stories alive.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic, but some need more support. The point about ticket sales helping the economy is good, but also explain that theatres and cinemas create jobs for actors, staff, food sellers, and people who make films.
task response
The Netflix example is useful and clear. Add one more real or clear example for the other side, such as a live show where people can share an experience that a phone or home screen cannot give.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one view, the other view, and conclusion. Keep this shape, but make the link between each idea smoother with words such as “because”, “therefore”, “however”, and “for this reason”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences contain too many ideas and are hard to follow. Break them into shorter sentences. For example, after “the internet”, start a new sentence: “People can find films and shows with one click.”
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one simple plan: state the main idea, explain it, give an example, and say why the example proves the idea. This will make your points easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words in a clear way. You write “theatres and cinemas”, then “both of those”. It is clearer to repeat “cinemas and theatres” or use “these places”.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you explain the online view, the value of cinemas and theatres, and your own opinion.
task response
Your example of Netflix directly supports the idea that people can watch films at any time and in any place.
coherence and cohesion
The two body paragraphs are easy to identify because each one presents a different view.
coherence and cohesion
The final paragraph clearly restates your opinion and brings the essay to an end.
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