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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cities, public parks and open spaces are changed into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruits and vegetables. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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Introduction
In today's world, some residential areas are replacing children's playgrounds and public parks with community
gardens
Use synonyms
 where residents can grow their own fruits and vegetables.
While
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 some people oppose these changes, others believe that they bring several benefits.
This
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 essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 development.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, community
gardens
Use synonyms
 can provide residents with a relaxing hobby and allow them to grow their own food.
However
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, if they
will
Wrong verb form
apply
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replace parks and playgrounds
the
Punctuation problem
, the
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 quality of life in these areas could decline considerably.
Nonetheless
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, families and teenagers will not have a place to spend their free time after both school and work.
For instance
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,children who previously used these spaces to play games or
socialize
Change the spelling
socialise
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 would have fewer opportunities to spend time outdoors.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
while
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 there might be some downsides, there are some positives
also
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.
Moreover
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, people will not overpay for synthetically grown products in shops, because they will have their own.
Furthermore
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, it could create part-time employment opportunities for teenagers.
As a result
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, they would not need to travel outside their neighbourhood to find gardening jobs.
For example
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, usually
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours
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 ask each other for some minor things
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as salt.In
this
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case
Add a comma
case,
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 if they do not have their own
garden
Punctuation problem
garden,
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 they will ask you to give them a helping hand
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can
then
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 lead to some benefits.
Conclusion
In conclusion, replacing parks and playgrounds with community
gardens
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 could reduce the amount of recreational space available to residents
,
Punctuation problem
.
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 I believe that the benefits can outweigh the disadvantages. If these
gardens
Use synonyms
 are properly managed and sufficient recreational areas are maintained, they could provide communities with affordable food, useful activities and employment opportunities.

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task response
Answer the main question clearly in the first part. Say if the good points are greater than the bad points, and keep this same view in the whole essay.
task response
Give stronger reasons for each main point. For example, explain how home grown food can save money, and why this matters for local people.
task response
Use real and clear examples. The example about people asking for salt does not show why gardens are better than parks. Use an example about families growing food together or old people using the garden.
task response
Be careful with points that may not be true. Gardens may give some work, but they are not likely to give many paid jobs to teenagers. Explain this point more fully or use a stronger idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, the first body part begins with a good point about gardens, then moves to bad points about losing parks. Keep one main idea in each part.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words in a more natural way. Do not put several together, such as “On the other hand, while there might be some downsides, there are some positives also.” One clear link is enough.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links between sentences clearer. For example: “If all parks become gardens, children may have less space to play. This can reduce their time outdoors.”
coherence and cohesion
Leave a space after full stops and commas. This will make the writing easier to read. For example, write “food. However,” not “food.However,”.
task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of changing public spaces into gardens.
task response
Your ending gives a clear view: gardens can be useful if some places for play are still kept.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape with an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as “Firstly”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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