IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

As well as making money, business also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

4.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The issue of
work
Use synonyms
 as business has been the subject of considerable debate in recent years.Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it is a useful
Use synonyms
work
Check wording
way
show examples
 to make
money
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that it has many social responsibilities.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
Linking Words
 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that it is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
beneficial
Use synonyms
work
Check wording
apply
show examples
to produce
money
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate that
Use synonyms
buisness
Correct your spelling
business
work
Use synonyms
 is the easiest way to get
money
Use synonyms
 argue that many
people
Use synonyms
 can get
money
Use synonyms
 if they develop their hobbies.The main reason is that many successful
Use synonyms
buisness
Correct your spelling
businesses
 started when the founders
Use synonyms
work
Wrong verb form
worked
show examples
 hard to improve their hobbies.
For instance
Linking Words
,if a girl has a passion for making cakes,she can develop her skills at cook,and launch her bakery.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,the business
Use synonyms
work
Check wording
apply
show examples
not only assists
people
Use synonyms
 in making
money
Use synonyms
,but it can
also
Linking Words
 bring delight to
people
Use synonyms
 when they do their
work
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,if a boy is
intersted
Correct your spelling
interested
 in technology,he can
found
Verb problem
start
show examples
 a company in the future,which allows him to do his
work
Use synonyms
 effectively.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,many who hold the belief that
Use synonyms
buisness
Correct your spelling
businesses
 have social responsibilities emphasise that it can be exhausting to
work
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
buisness
Correct your spelling
business
.The main reason is that
launch
Wrong verb form
launching
show examples
 a new buiness require a huge
number
Check wording
amount
show examples
 of
money
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
,it is
diffucalt
Correct your spelling
difficult
 to
getting
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 workers.Meanwhile,running a
Use synonyms
buisness
Correct your spelling
business
 not only needs
money
Use synonyms
,but it
also
Linking Words
 needs to read
people
Use synonyms
`s
reviewsto
Correct your spelling
reviews to
 know about their satisfaction.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 there are valid arguments on both sides,I firmly believe that
Use synonyms
buisness
Correct your spelling
business
 is beneficial to make
money
Use synonyms
.The reasons outlined above clearly
above
Rephrase
apply
show examples
demonstrate that it is the easiest method to gain
money
Use synonyms
,and to do their
work
Use synonyms
 with passion.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Answer the main question more directly. Explain why a business should make money and also help people, workers, and the world around it.
Task response
Your first main part is mostly about how people can make money from a hobby. This does not fully answer the question about social duty.
Task response
In the second main part, give clear social duties, such as fair pay for workers, safe products, less waste, and help for local people.
Task response
Make your own view clear from the start. You may say that making money is important, but social duty is also important.
Coherence and cohesion
Use one clear idea in each main part. Do not move from social duty to the hard parts of starting a business, because these are different ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas with simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “However”, and “As a result”.
Coherence and cohesion
Make each example show the main idea. The cake shop example can show safe food, fair pay, or less waste, not only making money.
Coherence and cohesion
Check that your end part matches your view. It should sum up your reasons about both money and social duty.
Task response
You give a clear view in the first and last parts.
Task response
You use examples about a cake shop and a technology company to support your ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some useful link words, such as “On one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “To sum up”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • social responsibilities
  • contribute
  • well-being
  • community
  • philanthropy
  • sustainability
  • ethical
  • trust
  • reputation
  • accountable
  • profit-making
  • balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: