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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that family has the most important influence on children’s development, while others believe that factors such as TV, friends, music and books have a more significant impact. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
MANY PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT FAMILY PLAY A CRUCIAL ROLE IN
CHILDREN
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'S
DEVELOPMENT
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, AS
TEACHING
Wrong verb form
IT TEACHES
show examples
 THEM MORAL VALUES AND
SKILLS
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.
WHEREAS
Linking Words
 OTHERS BELIEVE THAT TV, FRIENDS, MUSIC AND BOOKS INFLUENCE
CHILDREN
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'S
DEVELOPMENT
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, AS PROVIDING THEM A VAST RANGE OF KNOWLEDGE , EXPERIENCE AND PRACTICE. IN MY OPINION, I THINK BOTH WILL EQUALLY IMPORTANT FOR THE BETTER GROWTH OF THE
CHILDREN
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.
Body paragraph 1
TO COMMENCE WITH, PARENTS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT KEY FACTOR FOR THE
DEVELOPMENT
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 OF THE CHILDRENS, as they educate them regarding the moral values and social
skills
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, WHICH WILL BENEFICAL FOR THEM IN FUTURE.
FOR INSTANCE
Linking Words
, IN SOCIETY, PEOPLE JUGDE
CHILD
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 ON THE BASIS OF GOOD MANNERS AND INTERACTION
SKILLS
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, WHICH THEY INHERIT FROM THEIR PARENTS.
THEREFORE
Linking Words
,
CHILDREN
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'S LEARNING ABILITY SHOWS FAMILY IMPORTANCE.
Body paragraph 2
ON THE OTHER HAND
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 , FACTORS LIKE TELEVSION , FRIENDS , MUSIC AND BOOKS HELP IN PROVIDING NUMEROUS OF KNOWLDEGE TO THE CHILDRENS , IT WILL FOSTER THEIR EXPERIENCE , KNOWLEDGE POWER AND PRACTICE SKILL.
THIS
Linking Words
 SHOW THE GREAT BENEFIT IN PERSONALITY
DEVELOPMENT
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 AND COPING WITH THE DAILY LIFE PROBLEMS. TO EPITOMISE,
WHILE
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 READING BOOKS HELP
CHILD
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 TO DEVELOP COPING MACHANISMS AND TACKLE LIFE PROBLEMS.
MOREOVER
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,
THIS
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 WILL
ALSO
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 VERY USEFUL IN COMPETING, RELAXING AND DEVELOPING A HOBBY FOR THEMSELF.
Conclusion
TO RECAPITULATE, BOTH WILL HAVE A GOOD AND BENEFICIAL IMPACT ON THE
CHILDREN
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'S
DEVELOPMENT
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. BUT, THE MAIN THING AFFECTED WAS HOW A
CHILD
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 ACKNOWLEDGED THESE TRAITS IN THEMSELF.
ALSO
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, THE KNOWLEDGE
POWER
Punctuation problem
, POWER
show examples
 AND
SKILLS
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 DEVELOPED BY EITHER PARENTS OR OTHER FACTORS
SHOWS
Correct subject-verb agreement
SHOW
show examples
 SIGNIFICANT RESULTS IN THE
CHILD
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'S
OVERALL
Linking Words
 GROWTH.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your view, which is good. However, make your opinion more clear: say why family and outside sources are equal, or say which one is more important.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain how parents teach values at home, and how friends, TV, books, and music can change a child’s thoughts and actions.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, parents can teach a child to share, while books can teach new words and ideas. Avoid very general lines such as “knowledge power”.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: opening, family, other factors, and ending. Keep this form, but make the link between ideas smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body part with one clear main idea. Then add an explanation and one example. This will make each part easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Use short sentences and clear links such as “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “In addition”.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat “children’s development” too often. You can use “their growth”, “their learning”, or “a child’s life” when the meaning is clear.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: family, other influences, and your own view.
task response
The ideas about moral values, social skills, books, and life problems are linked to a child’s growth.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “To commence with”, “On the other hand”, and “To recapitulate” shows that you try to guide the reader through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part stays mainly on one side of the discussion, so the reader can see your plan.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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