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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that electronic games are improving the skills of young people. Others think that it is a complete waste of time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that electronic
games
Use synonyms
relovultion
Correct your spelling
revolution
 is becoming increasingly popular.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that it improves young
people
Use synonyms
's skills, there is
also
Linking Words
 agrument that it
a
Verb problem
is a
show examples
waste of
time
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, I consider that
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
Use synonyms
's imagination and concentration in important details .
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are several reasons why
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 help children
uppdate
Correct your spelling
update
 their soft skills.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
kids
Use synonyms
 would adapt
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 new released
Use synonyms
games
Check wording
game
show examples
 features which provide new challenges with
obligation
Add an article
the obligation
show examples
 to map their
action
Check wording
actions
show examples
 to finish the task requirements,
in other words
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them imagine how to pass each level using the
avalible
Correct your spelling
available
 tools.
Secondly
Linking Words
, concentrating is necessary to resolve the issues presented in each
Use synonyms
games
Check wording
game's
show examples
 level
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
show examples
 means if the gamer did not concentrate on passing each level with new
tries
Punctuation problem
tries,
show examples
 he would not skip it.
Finally
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,
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
show examples
 approach helps
kids
Use synonyms
 to become ready for any challenge and resolve it with
innovated
Replace the word
innovative
 ideas
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
For example
Linking Words
, the new technology of drones with
camera
Add an article
a camera
show examples
 in front of it to help
military
Add an article
the military
show examples
 in the forest was in a game called
Pubg mobile
Capitalize the proper name
PUBG Mobile
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, other
people
Use synonyms
 argue that playing
games
Use synonyms
 has a bad influence
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 today's
Use synonyms
kids
Check wording
kids'
show examples
 community
it
Correct word choice
, as it
show examples
 cause waste a lot of their
time
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, today's parents are complaining
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
 new
atittude
Correct your spelling
attitude
 in their children
they
Verb problem
is that they
show examples
 become lazy and spend the major
time
Use synonyms
 in front of their computer screens and
TV's
Punctuation problem
TVs
show examples
,
whereas
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 children
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not care about counting sleeping hours because they
young
Verb problem
are young
show examples
 and would rather enjoy playing
games
Use synonyms
 lately.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 waking up to go to school is the majority
Use synonyms
Change preposition
of kids
show examples
kids
Check wording
kids'
show examples
 problem because they are waking up exhausted and muddled because of wasting
night
Correct your spelling
nighttime
time
Use synonyms
 on playing electronic
games
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
The NewYork
Correct determiner usage
New York
show examples
 University concreded a research about
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 and one of argument includ that the cause of being addicted to
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 is
saying
Verb problem
staying
show examples
 up all night and struggling to wake up earlier.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite
people
Use synonyms
 having different views, I believe that
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
people
Use synonyms
's imagination and concentration
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 important details.

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task response
You answer both sides and give your own view. To make your view stronger, say that games can help only when young people play for a set time and choose games with real problems to solve.
task response
Develop each main idea more clearly. For example, explain how a game can build focus, then show how this focus can help at school or in daily life.
task response
Be careful with facts. The example about drones and PUBG is not clear proof. Use a simple, likely example, such as a child learning to plan steps in a puzzle game.
task response
The New York University example is not clear and may not be true. If you are not sure about a study, use a general example instead: some children play late at night, sleep less, and feel tired at school.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first line more direct: state that people have two views about video games.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph has ideas about new games, focus, problem solving, and drones. Keep only two ideas and explain them well.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as 'because', 'so', 'as a result', and 'however'. Some long sentences are hard to follow. Split them into two or three short sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph match your full view. You say games are good, but you should also note the risk of too much play. This will make the ending more balanced.
task response
You discuss both views: games may build skills, but too much gaming can waste time and harm sleep.
task response
Your view is clear from the start and is repeated in the ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraph breaks and useful signposts such as 'On the one hand', 'Furthermore', and 'In conclusion'.
coherence and cohesion
The sleep and school example helps show why too much gaming can be a problem.
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