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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that electronic games are improving the skills of young people. Others think that it is a complete waste of time. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that electronic
games
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is
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are
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 becoming increasingly popular.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that it improve yong
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people
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people's
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skills
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, there is
also
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 agrument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that it improves the
skills
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 of young
people
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are several reasons why providing young
people
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 with the ability to play video
games
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 is beneficial.
Firslty
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Firstly
, kids would adapt more easily to different types of real world environment because they are simulating what suits them.
Secondly
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, gamers have the ability to analyse the toughest situations and resolve
it
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them,
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 which increases their troubleshooting
preformance
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performance
.
This
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 makes them feel happy at
house
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home
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.
Finally
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, there is a strong chance that they can succeed in
real
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the real
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 world with audio-visual
skills
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 because they are learning what they are passionate about.
For example
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, in a flight from Saudi Arabia to Omane the pilote and coo-pilote fought and the situation gets worse
while
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 the plane is about to crush, suddenly, a passanger go to cockpit and control the airplane and land in Riyadh Airport the capital of Saudi Arabia,
further
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, the world did not believe what
this
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 guy said, he mentioned that he workes as a plumber and he learned how to control Airplane from video
games
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.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, another
improtant
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important
 benefit is that allowing electronic
games
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 selection prepares kids for better
for their
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apply
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future careers.
This
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 means that focusing on areas of personal
strenght
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strength
 helps them build
specialized
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specialised
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skills
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 early in life.
This
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 helps them choose the right job later.
For instance
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, a gamer who
want
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wants
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 to be a doctor can focus on
games
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 that simulate
doctor's
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doctors'
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 missions and functions
he
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; he
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 will not
have an idea only
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only have an idea,
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 but he is going to learn as far as he can with ambition.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I strongly believe that video
games
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allows
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allow
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 young
people
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 to follow their dreams and
fulfill
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fulfil
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 their potential.
This
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 approach boosts their academic
preformance
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performance
show examples
 and lays a solid foundation for their future careers. Given these benefits,
this
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 approach is a positive step for entertament foundation.

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task response
Discuss both views in a fair way. You explain why games can help, but you do not fully explain why some people see them as a waste of time. Add a full paragraph about too much game time, less study, less sleep, or less time with family and friends.
task response
Make your main view clear and keep it careful. You can say that games can help young people, but only when they play for a short time and choose good games.
task response
Use real and clear examples. The plane story is hard to believe and does not strongly prove your point. A better example is a student who plays a problem-solving game and then gets better at planning or working in a team.
task response
Explain each main point more. For example, say how games can help with quick thinking, hand and eye work, or solving problems. Then say why these skills may be useful at school or work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes it easy to follow. However, the second body paragraph gives another good point, not the other side of the question. Put the opposing view in its own paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Give each paragraph one clear job. Paragraph one can explain the good side of games. Paragraph two can explain the bad side. Paragraph three can give your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a clear way: 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', 'However', and 'In conclusion'. Do not use too many links when the ideas do not connect.
coherence and cohesion
Keep sentences short and clear. Some sentences are very long, especially the plane example, so the meaning becomes hard to follow. Break long ideas into two or three sentences.
task response
You give a clear personal view in the introduction and repeat it in the conclusion.
task response
You give several reasons for the good side of games, such as problem solving and future job skills.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, main body, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as 'On the one hand', 'Furthermore', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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