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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes ( for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to young children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

5.5 / 9
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Introduction
Humanity is the greatest religion in the world. As we all know, humans are social animals; they need to be supported by others. From the point of view of some people, helping
one's
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
society members must be included in the module of secondary colleges. I firmly agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion.
Body paragraph 1
Youth become more familiar with the pains and the difficulties of others when they not only study their
community
Use synonyms
 member's miserbale lifestyle but
also
Linking Words
 visit them as part of their fieldwork.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they built a soft corner in
heart
Correct determiner usage
their heart
show examples
 after understanding their neighbour's calamities and
try
Wrong verb form
tried
show examples
 to help them.
For example
Linking Words
, a student gives free of cost tuition to the poor children who are not able to attend the school
due to
Linking Words
 higher fees. In
this
Linking Words
 way, a sense of humanity and courtesy arises in a nation , and the negative emotions like helplessness and heartlessness are likely to vanish. Having said that, the educational institutions should teach
community
Use synonyms
 service in their courses.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
Linking Words
, learners explore and realise the weaker points of the economy and culture, and they become interested in diminishing these loopholes. In
this
Linking Words
 way, learning about public service as a course, they find directions for their future.
For example
Linking Words
, a group of medical students find poor health services for needy people, and they open a free pharmacy or a clinic for the underprivileged part of
Use synonyms
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
 after their graduation. In
this
Linking Words
 way, the economy of the country is likely to improve
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the livelihood of the middle class is about to be affected positively.
Conclusion
Having said that, I would like
to conclude
Linking Words
 by saying that educational institutions play a vital role in teaching youngsters about the sufferings of others and boosting their curiosity for
developing
Add an article
a developing
show examples
 nation.
As a result
Linking Words
 , the society's well-being will improve to a greater extent.
Hence
Linking Words
, unpaid internships or courses for
community
Use synonyms
 service must be added to the coursework of secondary schools.

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task response
State your view in a more direct way. Say clearly that you agree that all high school students should do some unpaid community work.
task response
Explain why this work should be compulsory, not only why it is good. For example, say that all students, not just kind students, can learn to care for others.
task response
Your main ideas are useful, but some claims are too broad. Explain step by step how helping in a local area can help students and the wider community.
task response
Use examples that match high school students. The example about medical students opening a clinic after graduation is less close to the school topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this simple plan, but make each body part begin with one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat “Having said that” at the end of body parts. It does not fit well there. Use simple links such as “Therefore”, “As a result”, or “For this reason” only when needed.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences clearer. For example, after saying students see poverty, explain that this can lead them to give time or help in a real way.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two short sentences so the reader can follow your point more easily.
task response
You give a clear view and stay on the topic of community work in schools.
task response
You include real examples, such as free teaching for poor children, to show how students may help.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Moreover”, “For example”, and “As a result” help show links between some ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • compulsory
  • high school programmes
  • unpaid community service
  • charity
  • improving the neighbourhood
  • teaching sports
  • sense of responsibility
  • empathy
  • broader perspective
  • societal issues
  • college applications
  • job applications
  • positive impact
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