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Writing Samples
Band 9

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy at an increasingly young age. What are the causes of this problem, and what solutions can you suggest?

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Introduction
Across much of the world, the number of overweight children has risen sharply within a single generation, bringing with it serious risks to both physical and mental health.
This
Linking Words
 essay will argue that the problem stems chiefly from poor diet and inactive lifestyles, and that it can be reversed only through firm regulation of the snack industry combined with stronger guidance from teachers and parents.
Body paragraph 1
The principal cause of childhood obesity is the modern diet. Fast food and sugary snacks are cheap, heavily advertised and available on every street corner, so they have gradually replaced home-cooked meals in many households. Because these products are dense in calories yet almost empty of nutrition, a young person can consume far more energy than the body needs without ever feeling full. In Casablanca,
for instance
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, the stalls outside many primary schools sell crisps and fizzy drinks that pupils buy every day on their way home. Closely linked to
this
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 is the decline in physical activity. Youngsters who once spent their afternoons playing outdoors now pass the same hours in front of screens, and,
as a result
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, the energy they take in is rarely burned off.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 trend is far from irreversible if the state, teachers and families act together. The most effective measure lies with the government, which can restrict the advertising of junk food to minors and tax sugary drinks so that healthier options become the cheaper choice. Schools,
moreover
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, have a direct role to play, since replacing canteen chips with fruit and vegetables and guaranteeing daily physical education would reach every pupil regardless of background.
Finally
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, parents remain the strongest influence of all. By cooking family meals, limiting screen time and being active themselves, they set the example that children naturally follow.
Consequently
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, habits formed at home can outlast any campaign or policy.
Conclusion
In conclusion, childhood obesity is driven by unhealthy eating and sedentary routines.
However
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, coordinated action by governments, schools and parents can still give the next generation a healthier start in life.

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Task response
You answer both parts of the task well: you explain the main causes and give clear ways to help. To make the answer even stronger, you could say more about why each plan would work, such as how a drink tax may lead families to buy less sugar.
Task response
Your ideas are clear and stay on the topic. The example about food near schools is useful. You could add one more short example about a school or a family to show how daily exercise can become a habit.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a very clear path: opening, causes, ways to help, and ending. Each paragraph has one main job, so it is easy to read.
Coherence and cohesion
You use link words well, such as “for instance”, “moreover”, “finally”, and “consequently”. Keep using them with care, but do not add too many, as clear ideas and good paragraph order are more important.
Coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph sums up the main points clearly. For an even smoother flow, you could make the link between poor food and less activity more direct at the end of the causes paragraph.
Task response
The essay gives two strong causes: poor food and less activity. It also gives useful action from the state, schools, and parents.
Task response
The plans are real and clear: limit ads, tax sweet drinks, give better school food, add daily sport, and cut screen time at home.
Coherence and cohesion
The opening clearly tells the reader what the essay will cover, and the ending brings the main ideas together.
Coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is strong. The second paragraph explains the problem, while the next paragraph gives ways to deal with it.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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