IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many countries traditional foods being replaced by international fast food. Some people think this is harmful for both families and societies. To what extent agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In recent years, it has been observed that traditional
foods
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 are being replaced by global fast
food
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.
Although
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 some advocates argue that
this
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 could cause countries to lose their cultural identity, I wholeheartedly disagree with the idea of replacing local
foods
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 with global fast
food
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.
This
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 essay will examine the extent to which
this
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 is necessary;
in addition
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, it will consider other significant reasons,
such
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 as cultural identity and health benefits.
Body paragraph 1
A major argument in favour of
this
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 perspective is that local
food
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 is part of a country’s cultural identity.
This
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 means that when every country has its own traditional meals, these meals allow people to identify the country and its
culture
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. A study published by New York University concluded that 67% of individuals can identify a
culture
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 just by its traditional
foods
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, which makes these
foods
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 play a significant role in identifying a country’s
culture
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.
Body paragraph 2
Another fundamental reason is that traditional meals can be healthier. In fact, when traditional
foods
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 are usually prepared at home with fresh meat, they may contain fewer calories than international fast
food
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. A report published by Saudi researchers found that 78% of individuals who eat local
foods
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 have a 17% lower risk of heart disease.
Consequently
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, traditional
foods
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 prepared with fresh ingredients can help people maintain a healthy diet and stay healthy.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly believe that traditional
foods
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 are more beneficial than global fast
food
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 because they help preserve a country’s
culture
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 and may offer health benefits.

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task response
Make your main view even more clear in the first paragraph. You say you disagree, but “this is necessary” is not clear because it can sound like you support fast food.
task response
Explain the size of your view. For example, say that fast food can be eaten sometimes, but it should not take the place of local food.
task response
Give more real and clear examples. The two study facts help, but they feel made up because there are no details about the people, place, or food.
task response
Add one short point about why people choose fast food, such as time, work, or low cost. Then show why this does not make it better for families and society.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this plan in future writing.
coherence and cohesion
Use links that show the idea more clearly. For example, change “This means that” to “As a result” when you show an effect.
coherence and cohesion
The first main part repeats “country” and “culture” many times. Use words like “this,” “these meals,” and “local life” to make the writing flow better.
coherence and cohesion
The line “This essay will examine the extent to which this is necessary” does not match the rest of the essay. Replace it with a direct plan: “I will explain this through culture and health.”
task response
You give a clear main view and stay with it from start to end.
task response
Your two main ideas, culture and health, are both closely linked to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main idea, an explanation, and a result. This makes the essay easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The ending sums up your two main points and clearly restates your view.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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