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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people suggest that bringing up children by thw whole family includimg uncles, aunts and grandparents is better, rather than only by parents. To what extend are you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Many people believe joint family has a
good
Correct word choice
greater
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 influence
over
Change preposition
on
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 their
child
Use synonyms
's upbringing than
in
Change preposition
apply
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a nuclear family. Even though, for a
child
Use synonyms
's well-rounded
upbringing
Add a comma
upbringing,
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 both parents are enough, growing up around
nuclear
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a nuclear
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 family broadens cultural horizons, deepens
realtionships
Correct your spelling
relationships
 and
inter personal
Correct your spelling
interpersonal
 connections.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, building a strong relationship with family is a crucial step in instilling children with great family values.
Joint
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A joint
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 family gives the opportunity to connect with all family members, learn from their experiences, develop relationship skills and culture. Unlike
nuclear
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a nuclear
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 family, where both parents are working and spend less time as a family,
kids
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 in
joint
Add an article
a joint
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 family setup always have someone around to make them feel included.
For example
Linking Words
,
kids
Use synonyms
 who stay with their grandparents in
joint
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a joint
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 family setup develop more inclusive and kind personalities
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 than most of the
kids
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 in
nuclear
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a nuclear
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 family, who turn out to
a
Verb problem
be a
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bit rebellious and rude.
Conclusion
In addition
Linking Words
, growing up with multiple members in the family gives a safe and secure environment for a
child
Use synonyms
 to grow. Nowadays, in most
families
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 where both parents are working, finding a trusted person to take care of the
child
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 is difficult. Joint
families
Use synonyms
 do not have that issue
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 there would always be a member present
who
Correct pronoun usage
whom
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 you can trust.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
kids
Use synonyms
 in nuclear
families
Use synonyms
 are more prone to loneliness and stress because they usually don't have anyone to
accompny
Correct your spelling
accompany
 them at home during
parent's
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 working hours. Joint
families
Use synonyms
 do not have
such
Linking Words
issue
Add an article
an issue
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,
Add a semicolon
;
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on the contrary
Linking Words
,
kids
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 would have more fun
time
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apply
show examples
. In conclusion, I opine that joint
families
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 are much more suited to a
child
Use synonyms
's
well being
Correct your spelling
well-being
 and gaining valuable life lessons, which ensures a good upbringing.

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task response
Make your view clear in the first paragraph. Say that you agree that the whole family can help, but parents are still the main people in a child’s life.
task response
Answer the question more fully by looking at both sides. You explain why a large family can help, but you should also say that too many family members may give different rules or advice.
task response
Explain your main ideas in more detail. For example, show how grandparents can teach family history, care for a child after school, or give calm advice.
task response
Be careful with very broad claims. Instead of saying children in small families are rude or lonely, say that this can happen in some homes when parents have little time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, two main paragraphs, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph start with one direct main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words to show the flow of ideas, such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, and “As a result”. Do not use “Even though” at the start when the next part does not finish that idea.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same family words throughout. The question is about the whole family, but your essay sometimes says “joint family” and sometimes “nuclear family” without a clear comparison.
coherence and cohesion
Make the example fit the point more closely. After the example about grandparents, explain exactly why more daily contact may help a child become kind and able to share.
task response
You give a clear view that a whole family can help a child grow well.
task response
Your ideas are on topic: family values, care, safety, and less time alone all answer the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “To begin with”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • extended family
  • child-rearing
  • diverse experiences
  • harmonious family environment
  • sense of belonging
  • emotional support
  • wisdom and guidance
  • multicultural societies
  • heritage and traditions
  • conflicts and confusion
What to do next:
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