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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many parents think that it is good to teach children about the value of money. Why Do you think it is important to teach them the value of money? In what ways can you help children learn the value of money?

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Introduction
A lot of
elder
Correct word choice
elderly
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 people believe that financial education is crucial for
future
Add an article
the future
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 generation. Financial literacy is an important step in
undestanding
Verb problem
understanding
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 cash management and budget control in adult life. Including
younger
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the younger
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 generation in monthly budgeting and sharing financial details can educate them and help them
in learning
Wrong verb form
learn
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 the value of
money
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, parents should encourage their kids to be financially literate so that they become competent to manage their income and
expense
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expenses
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 when they grow up. Teaching the future generation about the value of
money
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 would promote them to make better financial decisions, manage their expenses, and prepare them for financial
uncertainities
Replace the word
uncertainties
.
This
Linking Words
 will help them understand how finances should be managed when they have their own families.
For example
Linking Words
, a financially literate person would spend
money
Use synonyms
 mostly on his
family needs and postpone the unecessary
Correct word order
family's needs and postpone the unnecessary
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 expenses to manage his
finance
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finances
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 based on his income, which can be
acheived
Correct your spelling
achieved
 by educating them early in their life.
Body paragraph 2
I believe that sharing the family's financial details and including everyone
for
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in
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 the monthly budgeting would give a better perspective of finances to the kids.
This
Linking Words
 would help the child to understand the family's financial situation
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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it's
Correct determiner usage
its
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 asset management.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the children would
also
Linking Words
 try to save
money
Use synonyms
 and contribute by limiting their unwanted
expense
Check wording
expenses
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. These practices can
promote the
Verb problem
help
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 kids
to
Wrong verb form
apply
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make better financial decisions and get financially educated to support their
family
Check wording
families
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, Future generations should be financially educated to respect the value of
money
Use synonyms
 and make them competent to manage their income, cash flow, and be financially stable.
This
Linking Words
 literacy could be
acheived
Correct your spelling
achieved
 by including them in
family's
Add an article
the family's
show examples
 financial decisions and educating them about it.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Explain why money skills matter not only for family needs, but also for saving, debt, and safe choices later in life.
task response
Give a more specific way to teach children. For example, give a small amount each week and ask the child to split it into spending, saving, and giving.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some points repeat: managing money, making better choices, and saving. Add one new idea in each body paragraph instead of saying the same point again.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main paragraphs, and an ending. Make the first body paragraph only about why teaching money matters, and make the second only about how parents can teach it.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “As a result”, “For this reason”, and “One simple way”. This will make each step easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the subject clear. In the second paragraph, use “children” or “they” in a steady way, rather than moving between “kids”, “child”, and “children”.
task response
You answer both questions: you explain why children need money skills and suggest that parents can include them in a family budget.
task response
The example about putting family needs before extra spending supports your main point well.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are set out in a clear order: reasons first, ways to teach next, and then a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “Firstly”, “For example”, “Consequently”, and “In conclusion” helps the reader follow the essay.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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