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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that competition at work, at school and daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather that completing against teacher other. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

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Introduction
Some individuals argue that it is better to be competitive at the workplace, in
studies
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 and in daily life,
while
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 others would prefer to
work
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 together , rather than be enemies with each other. In my opinion, working together is better, but some fair competition can help
people
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 try harder.
Body paragraph 1
Competitive surroundings at
work
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 or in
studies
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 may motivate some
people
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 to succeed.
People
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 want to become better than others
,
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apply
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due to
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 the beneficial income .
For example
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, if a student is eager to get a scholarship at university, he is required to pass the final exam better than other candidates,
due to
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 limited places. To succeed, he starts to study harder and
then
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 might track the progress by comparing results with other students, whichever lead to a competitive atmosphere.
However
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,
this
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 competition pressure might harm students' mental health and might cause exhaustion.
Body paragraph 2
Nevertheless
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,it is
also
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 believed that it would be better to
work
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 together, rather than competing against each other. When society communicates with each other , the environment may become more friendly, which influences positively on
people
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's
work
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 and relationships .
For instance
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, co-workers can openly share their ideas without fear that someone will steal
it
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them
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.
Also
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, communication is important in daily life, because without it, students and workers might feel lonely and not inspired to maintain their activities.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
In
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in
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 my view,
people
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 should maintain friendly communication at the workplace and in their
studies
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, but
also
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 remember that some competitions may improve productivity. The competitive conditions at
work
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 and at
studies
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 may help
people
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 to
work
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 harder and motivate them to reach a goal. When a more friendly environment caused by communications may lead to warm friendship and better mental health.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why working together is better than competition in most cases.
task response
Your examples are useful, especially the example of a student who wants a scholarship. Add one clear example of people working together, such as a work team that shares ideas to finish a job well.
task response
Keep your main view the same from start to end. You say working together is better, but the last part gives a lot of space to competition. State clearly that fair competition is good only when it does not hurt people.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Use clear links between ideas, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “However”, and “As a result”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and have many ideas. Break them into two short sentences so the reader can follow your point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words in a clear way. For example, say “competition” and “cooperation” instead of changing to “being enemies” or “friendly communication”, which can change the meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word order and form errors that make ideas less clear. For example, write “competing against each other”, “which leads to”, and “has a positive effect on”.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain competition, cooperation, and your own view.
task response
The scholarship example clearly shows how competition can make a student work harder.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main idea, so the reader can see your plan easily.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending returns to your main view and sums up the two sides.
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