IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

With deforestation, urban development and illegal hunting, many animal species are becoming endangered and some are even facing extinction. Do you think it is important to protect animals? What can be done to deal with this problem?

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Introduction
In the
last
Linking Words
 two decades, many
animals
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 have gone towards extinction because of deforestation, in the name of new development and illegal hunting. I think it is important to help all species, and
this
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the solution to the problem.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, deforestation, as a grave and urgent issue, contributes to animal loss, and as human beings, it is our moral duty to safeguard all species, regardless of their immediate usefulness to us. It is not morally right to deprive them of their opportunity to live. The disappearance of
animals
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 can have more direct and imminent impact on human health and society, resulting in immediate threats to our environment, food security and
overall
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 well-being.
Furthermore
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, in the medical world,
animals
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 play a great role as exprimentation.
For instance
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, the majority of cutting-edge medical breakthrough includes
animals
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. In terms of morality, experimentation might seem inhumain but the survival of all human beings depends on it.
Body paragraph 2
In terms of tackling the problem, the government should establish a protective area for endangered
animals
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. Deforestation for the purpose of construction has more impact on the environment, and
this
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 demand
imperative
Verb problem
requires imperative
show examples
 attention and action from
authority
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authorities
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.
For example
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, building an animal zoo can prevent and ensure the survival of
animals
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.
Moreover
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, introducing high penalties for hunting and harming
animals
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 by higher officials. Preventing poachers from hunting
animals
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 has been a pressing challenge in recent years
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
,
this
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 can be prevented by
emplementing a
Correct determiner usage
implementing the
show examples
 harshest law towards hunting.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 there are some laws that protect
animals
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,
Linking Words
however, i
Correct word choice
I
show examples
 believe the government should work harder towards animal protection. The suggested solutions are providing
protective
Add an article
a protective
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 area and applying heavy
penalities
Check wording
penalties
show examples
 for illegal hunting.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Say clearly why animal life is important, then give two or three clear actions. Your ideas about nature, food, and health are useful, but they need more detail.
task response
Be careful with the point about animal tests. It does not fully support the need to protect wild animals, and it may make your main point less clear. Focus more on how animals keep nature safe and how their loss can harm people.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, explain how cutting down forests takes away food and homes from animals, or how park guards and fines can stop illegal hunting.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. To make it easier to follow, give each body paragraph one main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because several ideas are put together. Keep sentences shorter. For example, explain the harm from animal loss first, then explain its effect on people in the next sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a clear way. Words such as 'First', 'Also', 'As a result', and 'Finally' can show the order of your ideas. Do not use 'however' after 'although' in the same sentence.
language accuracy
Check word forms and spelling. For example, use 'experimentation', 'inhumane', 'implementing', 'penalties', and 'authorities'. Also write 'I' with a capital letter.
language accuracy
Make grammar more natural. Write 'this demands urgent attention from the authorities' instead of 'this demand imperative attention and action from authority'. Write 'the harshest laws' or 'harsh laws', not 'a harshest law'.
task response
You give a clear view that animals should be protected, and you suggest protected areas and strong laws against hunting.
coherence and cohesion
The essay follows a useful overall order: introduction, reasons, actions, and conclusion.
task response
You try to show that animal loss can affect people through the environment, food, and health. This is a good direction for your main argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • deforestation
  • urban development
  • illegal hunting
  • endangered species
  • extinction
  • ecological balance
  • ecosystems
  • pollination
  • seed dispersal
  • population control
  • biodiversity
  • resilience
  • intrinsic value
  • economic benefits
  • tourism
  • agriculture
  • legislation
  • wildlife protection laws
  • illegal hunting
  • wildlife reserves
  • marine protected areas
  • public awareness
  • conservation
  • community involvement
  • sustainable practices
  • scientific research
  • conservation strategies
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