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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries Children are engaged in some kind Of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while Others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
All over the world, we see some children getting paid for
work
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. Some people see
this
Linking Words
 as a bad things and others consider it
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a productive way of making them
working
Wrong verb form
work
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 by
valuating
Use the right word
valuing
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 their
work
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. I
thinks
Correct subject-verb agreement
think
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 it is a great idea to engaged child in paid
work
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. First of all, I will discuss why it can be
perseved
Verb problem
perceived as
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 bad depending on the country and
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secondly
Punctuation problem
secondly,
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 why it is a great
reward
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.
Body paragraph 1
Salary for
adolescent
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an adolescent
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 can be seen as enslavement
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 in some
country
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countries
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.
For example
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, in
China
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China,
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 many of them are getting paid really bad creating Iphone.
Moreover
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,
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this child
Fix the agreement mistake
these children
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 are working in harsh
condition
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conditions
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 with only one
hour
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apply
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hour of break to eat.
Business
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Businesses
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 like Shein are known for
getting
Verb problem
making a
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 profit
in the back of
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from
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 young people. Information that’s some message can be seen on clothes
have
Correct pronoun usage
that have
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 been travelling all over the world.
Linking Words
This
Fix the agreement mistake
These
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 messages were talking about young
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 who
work
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 under extremes condition.
Body paragraph 2
Some people see
reward
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work
Use synonyms
 for
adolescent
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adolescents
show examples
 as a very good idea. They feel
like
Correct word choice
that
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 giving a salary can push children to
work
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 more and allows them to feel more confident and happy to
work
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.
By contrast
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, at school, young
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 can
work
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 without seeing any
reward
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. It can lead to a lack of
motivations
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motivation
show examples
.
For instance
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, if parents start giving a bill to their child if they clean their cars, not only
they will
Correct word order
will they
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 feel rewarded
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 they will
also
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 learn how to clean a car. Children can develop motivations to learn and experiment
new
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with new
show examples
 things
while
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 getting paid.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, depending on the continent
were
Use the right word
where
show examples
 they get paid, it can be
perceive
Wrong verb form
perceived
show examples
 as an enslavement or as a
reward
Use synonyms
. I
personnaly
Correct your spelling
personally
 think that giving a salary to young adolescent can be productive and can create a change in their mind.

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task response
Discuss both views in a more even way. Your first body part explains why paid work can be bad, but the second part is mostly about parents paying a child for chores. Explain more clearly why this kind of work is useful and safe.
task response
Make your own view more exact. Say that paid work can be good only when it is safe, light, and does not stop school or rest. This will make your answer more balanced.
task response
Use examples that fit the point. The China, iPhone, and Shein examples show very hard child work, but they need clear facts and a link to the main idea. A simple example of a teenager doing a short job after school may work better.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. However, some ideas move too fast. In each body part, give one main point, explain it, and then give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer link words. For example: “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For this reason”, and “However”. Do not use “By contrast” for the school point because it does not clearly show a contrast.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words, such as “reward”, “work”, and “getting paid”. Use simple other words like “pay”, “job”, “task”, and “money” when needed.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end match your main view. Your last line says paid work can change a child’s mind, but it does not say what kind of work is right. End with a clear rule about safe work and school.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you discuss the bad side, the good side, and give your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
The example of parents paying a child to clean a car is clear and helps show how small tasks can teach useful skills.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Child labor
  • Exploitation
  • Minimum age
  • Work experience
  • Survival
  • Taking responsibility
  • Education
  • Poverty
  • Legal restrictions
  • Physical toll
  • Psychological impact
  • Cultural perceptions
  • International conventions
  • Economic impact
  • Work-study programs
  • Skilled labor
  • Unskilled labor
  • Developing economies
  • Moral implications
  • Professional development
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