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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries Children are engaged in some kind Of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while Others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
All over the world, we see some children getting paid for
work
Use synonyms
. Some people see
this
Linking Words
 as a bad things and others consider it as a productive way of making them
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
 by
valuating
Use the right word
valuing
show examples
 their
work
Use synonyms
. I
thinks
Correct subject-verb agreement
think
show examples
 it is a great idea to engaged child in paid
work
Use synonyms
. First of all, I will discuss why it can be
perseved
Verb problem
perceived as
show examples
 bad depending on the country and
Linking Words
secondly
Punctuation problem
secondly,
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 why it is a great
reward
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Salary for
adolescent
Add an article
an adolescent
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 can be seen as enslavement
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 in some
country
Check wording
countries
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, in
China
Add a comma
China,
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 many of them are getting paid really bad creating Iphone.
Moreover
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,
Linking Words
this child
Fix the agreement mistake
these children
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 are working in harsh
condition
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conditions
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 with only one
hour
Remove the redundancy
apply
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hour of break to eat.
Business
Check wording
Businesses
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 like Shein are known for
getting
Verb problem
making a
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 profit
in the back of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 young people. Information that’s some message can be seen on clothes
have
Correct pronoun usage
that have
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 been travelling all over the world.
Linking Words
This
Fix the agreement mistake
These
show examples
 messages were talking about young
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 who
work
Use synonyms
 under extremes condition.
Body paragraph 2
Some people see
reward
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 for
adolescent
Check wording
adolescents
show examples
 as a very good idea. They feel
like
Correct word choice
that
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 giving a salary can push children to
work
Use synonyms
 more and allows them to feel more confident and happy to
work
Use synonyms
.
By contrast
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, at school, young
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 can
work
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 without seeing any
reward
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. It can lead to a lack of
motivations
Check wording
motivation
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, if parents start giving a bill to their child if they clean their cars, not only
they will
Correct word order
will they
show examples
 feel rewarded
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 they will
also
Linking Words
 learn how to clean a car. Children can develop motivations to learn and experiment
new
Change preposition
with new
show examples
 things
while
Linking Words
 getting paid.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, depending on the continent
were
Use the right word
where
show examples
 they get paid, it can be
perceive
Wrong verb form
perceived
show examples
 as an enslavement or as a
reward
Use synonyms
. I
personnaly
Correct your spelling
personally
 think that giving a salary to young adolescent can be productive and can create a change in their mind.

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Task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. However, make your main view more exact: paid work can be good only when it is safe, short, and does not stop school work.
Task response
The first main point is about child work in very bad jobs. Explain more clearly why this is wrong: children may be hurt, miss school, and have too little time to rest or play.
Task response
The second main point has a good idea about learning from small jobs at home. Add a little more about responsibility, money, and work skills.
Task response
Be careful with the China, iPhone, and Shein examples. They are very big claims, but the essay does not show clear facts. A general example about unsafe factory work would be safer and clearer.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each body part start with one short, clear main idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. For example, “By contrast” does not fit the move from paid work to school work. Use simple links such as “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “As a result”.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same idea. Use “children” or “young people” more often, instead of moving between “child”, “adolescent”, and “young people”.
Coherence and cohesion
The end should sum up both sides and then state your view in one direct sentence. Do not bring in “the continent”, because this was not the main way you built your ideas.
Task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show why some people are against paid work, why others support it, and you give your own view.
Task response
The example of parents paying a child to clean a car is clear and fits your point about small jobs and learning.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as “For example”, “Moreover”, and “To conclude”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Child labor
  • Exploitation
  • Minimum age
  • Work experience
  • Survival
  • Taking responsibility
  • Education
  • Poverty
  • Legal restrictions
  • Physical toll
  • Psychological impact
  • Cultural perceptions
  • International conventions
  • Economic impact
  • Work-study programs
  • Skilled labor
  • Unskilled labor
  • Developing economies
  • Moral implications
  • Professional development
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