IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many governments in the world spend large amounts of money on art, which helps to improve the quality of people’s lives. However, governments should spend money on other things rather than art. Do you agree or disagree?

7.0 / 9
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Introduction
More and more countries think that substantial funding for artistic projects is one of the most important topics, and what is its importance? From my perspective, I partially agree with
this
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 proposal for two reasons.
Body paragraph 1
First of all, I would argue that spending huge amounts of money is able to improve the economic aspects by conveying the culture of the country. The argument is that some local or foreign individuals become educated about the local culture, which leads to a positive impact on the economy.
This
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 method results in many interested people around the world about
this
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 culture, ultimately leading to an increase in the number of tourists in the country. A study conducted by the Department of Economics at Melbourne University concluded that 75% of tourists in Australia have visited museums and art centres.
Therefore
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, the performance of the economic system will be improved
due to
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 the presence of
this
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 strategy.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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, I am convinced that funding large amounts of money for education is more beneficial. What I mean is that young people can learn several sciences, including the arts, allowing them to be knowledgeable in these fields.
This
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 process will enhance the outputs of the educational system, which in turn produces outstanding people in the arts.
For instance
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, there are some pupils who took additional artistic courses which are provided by their schools.
As a result
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, the objective will be achieved if that method is taken into account.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly believe that spending large amounts of money on art is vital, but it would be better if it were spent on education.

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Task response
Make your position clear in the first paragraph. You partly agree, but the essay does not clearly say how much money should go to art and how much should go to other needs.
Task response
Answer both sides of the question more fully. Explain why art improves life, then explain which other public needs should come first, such as schools, health care, or roads.
Task response
Develop the education point. Explain why public money for general education may help more people than money for art projects alone.
Task response
Use examples that directly support your point. The museum example supports tourism, but the study is not fully explained and may sound made up. A clear, simple example would be stronger.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: an opening, two main paragraphs, and an ending. Keep this shape, but make each paragraph focus on one clear idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Improve links between ideas. For example, change “This method results in many interested people” to “As a result, more people become interested in the country’s culture.”
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the words do not fit the meaning. For example, “what is its importance?” does not clearly introduce the topic. State your view in a direct way instead.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid vague words such as “this strategy,” “this process,” and “that method” when the reader may not know exactly what they mean. Name the idea again, such as “public support for museums” or “art classes at school.”
Task response
You give a clear main view: art is important, but education should receive more public money.
Task response
The first main paragraph gives a relevant reason for art funding: it can share local culture and bring tourists.
Coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphs well, and each body paragraph has a main point.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “First of all,” “In addition,” “For instance,” and “In conclusion.”
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • art
  • money
  • government
  • fund
  • budget
  • balance
  • need
  • health
  • education
  • people
  • life
  • culture
  • city
  • public
  • work
  • job
  • value
  • benefit
  • idea
  • plan
  • result
  • access
  • equal
  • support
  • spend
  • care
  • society
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