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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, even though the rates of serious crimes are decreasing, people feel less safe than ever before. What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measures could be taken to solve it?

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Introduction
During the course of history,
Use synonyms
crime
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 term is viewed as a negative blow on both society and each individual.
Although
Linking Words
 a
reducing
Replace the word
reduction in
crime
Use synonyms
statistic
Check wording
statistics
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 in some particular countries has been publicly
recognized
Change the spelling
recognised
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 in recent decades, other kinds of
crime
Use synonyms
 might cause local residents
a sense of
Verb problem
to feel
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 less
safety
Replace the word
safe
 than
previous
Change preposition
in previous
show examples
 times, especially juvenile
crime
Use synonyms
, so some policies need to be implemented to
ensure
Verb problem
apply
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tackle
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon.
Body paragraph 1
There is several compelling
evidence
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pieces of evidence
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 that
crime
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 under the age of 18 has been a contributor to unsafe feelings. With the aid of technological advancement, teenagers nowadays are frequently exposed to violence in the media and mimic violent acts
whose
Punctuation problem
, whose
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 brains are not fully developed and can not tell the difference between right and wrong. Violent scenes on
Youtube
Capitalize the proper name
YouTube
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,
for example
Linking Words
, are usually starred by adults who are likely to become negative role models, leading to the growth of juvenile
crime
Use synonyms
 after watching those videos, especially turning to bullies in school.
Thus
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, parents will have a fear of their offspring not only befriending these bullies but
also
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 becoming a potential
crime
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 if they can not control the information absorbed by their children
due to
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 hectic working schedules.
Body paragraph 2
With regard to the responsibility of the government to
assure
Verb problem
ensure
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 residents do not feel unsafe, banning violence-related
contents
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content
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 on the Internet should be adopted.
This
Linking Words
 policy required producer companies to
minimize
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minimise
show examples
 scenes containing violence before
publicizing
Change the spelling
publicising
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 final products.
In addition
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, adults
Linking Words
also are
Correct word order
are also
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 in charge
by
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of
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 teaching their infants to identify wrongdoings to avoid. By spending time with those, parents could either diminish unsafe feelings or intervene at the right time
whether
Punctuation problem
, whether
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 friends of their youngsters are good or not.
Conclusion
In conclusion, juvenile
crime
Use synonyms
 is a major indicator of increasing fearness of society despite a drop in
serious
Add an article
the serious
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crime
Use synonyms
 rate.
Government
Add an article
The government
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 must take immediate action by passing
violence- content restriction
Check wording
violence-content restrictions
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 on stakeholders on a national scale
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 parents should dedicate more time to their children to help authorities to address these issues.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more full way. You give one main cause, but people may feel unsafe because of news, social media, and small crimes too. Add at least one more clear cause.
task response
Make the link between youth crime and fear clearer. Explain why this makes all people, not only parents, feel less safe.
task response
Your ideas about the web and parents are useful, but the web ban is too broad. Give clear steps, such as age checks, rules for video sites, school help, and more police in public places.
task response
Use examples that fit the point. The YouTube example is clear, but explain how it may lead to fear in real life, not only to bad acts at school.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make each body part begin with one direct main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hard to follow. Split them into two or three short sentences. This will make your meaning much clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show cause and result: “because”, “as a result”, “for example”, and “therefore”. Do not put too many ideas in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep key words the same. For example, use “young people” or “teenagers” in one part, rather than changing to “infants”, “offspring”, and “youngsters”.
task response
You give a clear cause and suggest actions for both the government and parents.
task response
The example of violent videos and school bullying is linked to your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, cause paragraph, solution paragraph, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion returns to the main cause and the two main ways to deal with it.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • availability heuristic
  • media coverage
  • misinformation
  • urbanization
  • community cohesion
  • justice system
  • economic inequality
  • community policing
  • media literacy
  • surveillance
  • swift justice
  • social cohesion
  • neighborhood watch
  • deterrent
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