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Band 5

In some cultures today, older people are enjoying their retirement from work by spending their money on themselves (e.g. on holidays) rather than saving the money for their children. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In recent years, in some societies, many adults have preferred to spend their money on themselves after retirement rather than save it for their
children
Use synonyms
's needs. From my perspective,
although
Linking Words
this
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 trend allows retirees to enjoy their lives and make the most of their free time, it is generally a negative development because it may harm
children
Use synonyms
's emotional well-being.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, spending money on themselves can help older people live their lives to the fullest. One major advantage is that going on holiday can improve mental health by reducing stress.
For instance
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, travelling may allow retirees to explore new places and develop their interests after years of working.
Furthermore
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, spending all their savings on their
children
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 may prevent older people from enjoying their remaining years.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, parents should
also
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 take responsibility for their
children
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's needs, particularly their education. Providing financial support and spending quality time together can help
children
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 feel loved and secure.
For example
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, paying for educational resources or organising family holidays can strengthen family relationships and create positive memories. Without sufficient financial and emotional support,
children
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 may experience feelings of neglect and have fewer opportunities to succeed in life.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
, spending money on themselves allows retirees to enjoy their independence after retirement.
However
Linking Words
, they should
also
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 consider their
children
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's needs and ensure that their decisions do not negatively affect their
children
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's well-being.

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Task response
State your main view more clearly. You say this is bad, but you also show a strong good side. Explain why the bad side is more important.
Task response
Develop the key point about children more. The children in the question may be adults, so explain when they still need help, such as with school costs, housing, or care.
Task response
Your examples fit the topic, but make them more real and exact. For example, show how help with a child’s school fees can change that child’s future.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and a clear end. Keep this good plan.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the link between the two body parts stronger. Say that older people should enjoy life, but should first make sure they have enough money for their own needs and any real family need.
Coherence and cohesion
Some ideas do not fully match the main point. ‘Spending quality time together’ is useful, but the question is mainly about money. Link this idea more clearly to family support.
Task response
You answer both sides of the issue and give a clear final view.
Task response
You use relevant ideas about travel, stress, school needs, and family care.
Coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main idea, and the examples are placed after the main points.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as ‘On the one hand’, ‘For instance’, and ‘To sum up’ help the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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