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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people suggest that sport helps people learn about teamwork, but others say it can encourage them to be too competitive. Discuss both views and give your own opinion?

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Introduction
It has been suggested that by participating in
sports
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, individuals can learn about
teamwork
Punctuation problem
teamwork,
show examples
whereas
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 others believe it enhances the competition among
players
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.
However
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, I think games can be helpful in teaching people about working as a
team
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
sports
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imcluding
Correct your spelling
including
 Cricket,Football,Basketball and so on help
team
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 members to collaborate with each other.
This
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 is because,
while
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 playing as ateam, there are many situations in which
players
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 have to make
descions
Correct your spelling
decisions
 considering each person's perspective.
Therefore
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, it builds a relationship among
players
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 and helps them to coordinate with each other.
As a result
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, they perform well in tournaments.
For example
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, in
Indian
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the Indian
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 Cricket
Team
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, Rohit Sharma is the Captain despite the fact that Virat Kohli is the best player.
Nevertheless
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,
still each member of the
Correct word order
each member of the team still
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team
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 has mutual understanding
which
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, which
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 helps them to give their best in all matches.
Hence
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, games help people to work together.
Body paragraph 2
Nonetheless
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, there is another part of society
who believe
Correct subject-verb agreement
that believes
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 individuals become too competitive
while
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engaing
Correct your spelling
engaging
 in
sports
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. To explain
this
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, at the time of
selections
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selection
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 of
team
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 members for the tournaments, each individual
try
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tries
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 to give their best performance in order to be
choosen
Correct your spelling
chosen
 for the
team
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.
Thus
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, in
this
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 situation,
players
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 treat each other as their competition.
For instance
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, it has been noticed during
Indian
Add an article
the Indian
show examples
Premium
Use the right word
Premier
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 League, people who play together in a
team
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 for India during
World
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the World
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 Cup
,
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apply
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 have to play in an opposition
team
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. Thereby, they treat each other as
the competitor
Fix the agreement mistake
competitors
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.
Conclusion
In
a
Correct article usage
apply
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conclusion,
although
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 in some circumstances,
team
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 members indulge in competitiveness
while
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 considering their reputation,
but
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apply
show examples
according to
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 me,
sports
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 are the best way to enhance
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team working
Replace the word
teamwork
 skills among individuals.

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task response
You discuss both views and give a clear view of your own. To make your ideas stronger, explain more fully how sport may cause too much competition, such as stress, poor team spirit, or unfair acts.
task response
Your examples are linked to the topic, but the cricket examples need more care. Explain exactly how the example shows team work or competition. Also, use correct names, such as the Indian Premier League.
task response
Your main point is clear: team sports often teach people to work together. Add a short point that both results can happen at the same time. This would make your view more balanced.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example, write “In team sports, players must share plans and support one another. As a result, they can play better together.” This is more direct than repeating “Therefore” and “As a result” too often.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main idea. In the first body paragraph, start with a clear topic sentence about team work, then give one reason and one example. Do the same for competition in the next paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion shorter and more direct. For example: “In conclusion, sport can make people compete, especially when places on a team are limited. However, I believe team sports mainly help people learn to work with others.”
task response
You answer every part of the question: you cover team work, competition, and your own opinion.
task response
You use sport examples that are easy to understand and connected to your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly shows the two views and states your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the one hand” and “Nonetheless” helps the reader see the change from one view to the other.
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