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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

Violence
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 in television and computer
games
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 has become a major issue among
people
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. Nowadays,
violence
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 is one of the most pervasive phenomena in society. Some
people
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 think that
violence
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 has a negative effect on the community,
whereas
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 others do not. My opinion is that
violence
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both
Punctuation problem
, both
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 on television
as well as
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 computer
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games
Punctuation problem
games,
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 does not have any negative effects on society.
This
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 essay will provide evidence to support my opinion.
First,
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a
person
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's actions are a mirror of who they are.
For example
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, if a
person
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 is raised in a peaceful atmosphere, they will not show any aggressiveness.
Moreover
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, every polite
person
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 couldn't be affected easily by
violence
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 on TV or in
games
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.
Second,
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a good mindset plays an important role in
people
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's activities.
For instance
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, a psychopath's actions couldn't be compared to a better
person
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.
In addition
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, a mindful
person
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 can
recognize
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recognise
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 the violent shows and the real ones. In my opinion, aggressive scenes can provide entertainment for some
people
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. An example
for
Change preposition
of
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this
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 is
,
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apply
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 bloody stories in
games
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 or on television give a deep experience for the viewer,
furthemore
Correct your spelling
furthermore
, it depicts the realism of the scenario. Another idea is that a creative world is completely different from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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real life.
For instance
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, most
people
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 understand that
games
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 and movies don't reflect
the
Correct article usage
apply
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reality.
Also
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, gamers and viewers are free to enjoy their
games
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 and series.
Moreover
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, parents can watch their children, because every game has a parental control option.
Besides
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, there are restrictions that warn fathers
from
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about
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 the content of the films.
Finally
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, there are several kinds of cruelty.
Such
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 as
,
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apply
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some
Fix capitalization
Some
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 awareness videos use
violence
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 to alert kids about
some
Correct determiner usage
the
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 bad
behaviors
Use the right word
behaviours
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 of others. In conclusion, it is clear to see that
both
Correct determiner usage
neither
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 computers
and
Correct word choice
nor
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 TV
are not
Verb problem
is
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 major
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
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 for cruelty. I believe that
violence
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 on the screen, in any form, has absolutely no bearing on the way
people
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 act in the real world.

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task response
Your position is clear, but the essay does not fully address both sides of the issue. Try to show both sides and then state your view more strongly.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Use clear topic sentences and connect paragraphs with simple, direct transitions.
content
The essay states an opinion in the introduction.
structure
Some linking words show ideas (for example, 'For instance', 'In addition').
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
What to do next:
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