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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that health, especially public health, is the responsibility of the government. Others think that people are responsible for their own health. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, providing public
health
Use synonyms
 to individuals is becoming increasingly popular.
This
Linking Words
 shift has sparked debate about whether
such
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 a
health
Use synonyms
 authority is responsibe to secure public
health
Use synonyms
. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 decision because it enhances
people
Use synonyms
's engagement and leads to better
health
Use synonyms
 care.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are several reasons why providing the individuals with the government responsibility to secure their
health
Use synonyms
 care is beneficial.
Firstly
Linking Words
, patients would adapt more easily to
therapy
Use synonyms
 sessions because they are
exempted
Replace the word
exempt
 from paying
therapy
Use synonyms
 bills.
Secondly
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,
people
Use synonyms
 have the ability to get free medicine rather than being forced to buy it.
This
Linking Words
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them feel better in case of sickness.
Finally
Linking Words
, there is a strong chance that they will survive because the government look after them and secures their
therapy
Use synonyms
 needs.
For example
Linking Words
, the authority who is provided free
traitements
Correct your spelling
treatments
such
Linking Words
 as
therapy
Use synonyms
 sessions and medicine will protect their citizens, who are often sick , which helps them feel recovered.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, others think that
people
Use synonyms
 are responsible for their own
health
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 means that focusing on areas of being healthy helps individuals build specialised natural treatment awareness early in life.
This
Linking Words
 helps them develop the right daily routine.
Furthermore
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, civilians would adapt more easily to
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 far away from chemical ingredients.
For instance
Linking Words
, an individual who wants to be healthy can focus more on getting aware of the kind of food he eats and the beverages he drinks, which helps his body to adapt.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite
people
Use synonyms
 having different views, I strongly believe that
health
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 authorities should aid the patients and secure
what
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 kind of
therapy
Use synonyms
 they need.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view, which is good. However, your main view is not fully clear. Say clearly that the state should make basic health care easy to get, while each person must also make good daily choices.
task response
Develop each main point more. In the first body part, explain how free care can help poor or sick people get help early. In the second, explain how food, exercise, sleep, and not smoking are things people can control.
task response
Some ideas do not fit the question well. For example, 'natural treatment' and living away from 'chemical ingredients' are not needed. Use more direct ideas about personal health habits.
task response
Your example about free treatment is too general and repeats the point. Give one clear case, such as a low-paid worker who can see a doctor early because public care is free or low cost.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two sides, and ending. Make the opening more direct and use the same key words from the question, such as government, public health, and personal responsibility.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body part should be only about what the government can do. The second should be only about what people can do for their own health.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links to show the flow of ideas: 'On the one hand', 'For example', 'However', and 'Therefore'. Also avoid very long sentences with many ideas joined by commas.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence links and grammar. For example, write 'This makes them feel better' and 'the government looks after them'. Clear grammar will make your ideas easier to follow.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain both sides and state your own view.
coherence and cohesion
The body paragraphs are clearly marked with 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand', so the reader can see the two views.
coherence and cohesion
You include an opening and an ending, and your ending restates your main view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Public health
  • Government responsibility
  • Individual responsibility
  • Vaccination programs
  • Anti-smoking campaigns
  • Subsidized medical services
  • Healthcare accessibility
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Food safety regulations
  • Pollution control
  • Occupational safety
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Self-education
  • Proactive management
  • Personalized healthcare
  • Comprehensive health system
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