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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries women and men are working full time. It is therefore, logical for women and men to share household works. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that which gender is responsible for
chores
Use synonyms
 is a crucial subject to discuss.
While
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 it is
commonly
Add an article
a commonly
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 held belief that
women
Use synonyms
 should be the one whose doing all the household work, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my
opinoin
Correct your spelling
opinion
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 consider that both men and
women
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 need to help each
others
Correct pronoun usage
other
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 and do the
chores
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 together.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, it is difficult
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 to do it all by
their own
Fix the agreement mistake
themselves
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.
In other words
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, they need to watch after the
childrens
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children
 or
beastfeeding
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breastfeeding
 the baby
while
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 doing the dishes, and
that is
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 hard.
In addition
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, because of their monthly
period
Add a comma
period,
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 they suffer from various symptoms.
For example
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, back pain , headache, vomiting and
sever
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severe
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 bleeding are common signs for the period.
Body paragraph 2
Another point to consider, sharing the household will make their relationship
more
Rephrase
apply
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closer. It is
also
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 possible to say that couples will end up spending more time with each other.
Moreover
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, it will help them discover more information about their partner.
For instance
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, folding the clothes
while
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 chatting about their favourite movies.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite people having different views ,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
house
chores
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 not specific
for
Change preposition
to
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 one gender. Both sides need to volunteer to do it, out of respect for their partner or their families.
Thet
Correct your spelling
That
 could separate the
chores
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 between
themselfes
Correct your spelling
themselves
.
Such
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 as things that need force and power
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 garden work, the man could handle it.
Whereas
Linking Words
, cooking and cleaning
women
Use synonyms
 should do it.

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task response
Make your main view fully clear from start to end. You say men and women should share house work, but the last part says men should do garden work and women should cook and clean. This makes your view less clear.
task response
Give more support for each main idea. Explain why sharing work is fair when both people have full-time jobs, and show how it can save time and lower stress for both.
task response
Use examples that fit the question closely. The example about folding clothes is useful, but add a clear real-life case: after work, one person cooks while the other helps the child with school work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each body part begin with one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a more direct way. For example, use: “First, women should not have to do all the work alone.” Then explain this idea before moving to the next point.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid ideas that move away from the main point. The part about periods can be used with care, but it does not prove that men and women should share work when both work full time. Focus more on work, time, and family duties.
coherence and cohesion
In the ending, restate the same view as in the introduction. Do not add a new split of jobs by gender. Instead, say that jobs should be shared based on time, skill, and need.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear view that both people should help with house work.
task response
You give two useful reasons: house work can be hard for one person, and sharing it can help a couple spend time together.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words such as “To begin with”, “In addition”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work
  • share
  • household
  • tasks
  • partners
  • income
  • chore
  • cooking
  • cleaning
  • relationship
  • balance
  • stress
  • teamwork
  • example
  • children
  • fairness
  • cooperation
  • traditional
  • society
  • common
  • accepted
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