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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart shows the percentage of adult male smokers in seven countries along with the world average in 2000 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

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The bar chart shows the percentage of adult male smokers in seven countries along with the world average in 2000 and 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart compares the percentages of grown-up men who smoke across 7 different
countries
Use synonyms
 and the global average between 2000 and 2015. The
countries
Use synonyms
 are
Armenia
Use synonyms
, Egypt,
Lebanon
Use synonyms
, Bangladesh, Cuba, Mexico, and
Australia
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the data
indicates
Correct subject-verb agreement
indicate
show examples
 that the average
male
Check wording
number of male
show examples
 smokers in the world
declined
Verb problem
has declined
show examples
 gradually.
Armenia
Use synonyms
 had the highest proportion in both years. Cuba
also
Linking Words
 stood
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 same percentage
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
Armenia
Use synonyms
 in 2015.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
Australia
Use synonyms
 ranked the lowest in 2000 and 2015.
Armenia
Use synonyms
 had the highest percentage, at approximately 65% and decreased gradually,
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 about 52%. The other three cities, Bangladesh, Mexico, and
Use synonyms
Australia
Punctuation problem
Australia,
show examples
 had
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similar figures
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
Armenia
Use synonyms
.
All
Check wording
The number of
show examples
 adult male smokers in these
countries
Use synonyms
were
Verb problem
apply
show examples
decreased by 2015.
In contrast
Linking Words
, smokers in Egypt and
Lebanon
Use synonyms
 grew significantly in 2015. Egypt had a higher population than
Lebanon
Use synonyms
, at approximately 49% in 2015,
while
Linking Words
Lebanon
Use synonyms
only
Verb problem
had only
show examples
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
about 45%. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 these two
countries
Use synonyms
 increased gradually,
Armenia
Use synonyms
 and Cuba both still at its peak in 2015.
Australia
Use synonyms
 had the smallest percentage in both years.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in contrast".
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words countries, armenia, lebanon, australia with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • bar chart, percentage, adult male smokers
  • world average, increased, decreased
  • tobacco consumption, lung cancer
  • public health, awareness campaigns
  • government policy, smoking bans
  • health risks, nicotine, tobacco industry
  • chart analysis, data comparison
  • statistical trend, significant fluctuation
  • stagnation, steady rise, moderate fall
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