IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some think the best way to motivate and encourage people to work hard is to pay them based on how much they produce and sell. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Introduction
There is a debate around employee motivation and whether payment based on production or sales volumes is the most encouraging for better work.
While
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 performance-based bonus schemes are used extensively and can be motivating, there are often external
factors
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 that significantly affect the clear calculation and fair pay.
Therefore
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, I partially agree with
this
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 approach.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, basing
worker's
Add an article
a worker's
show examples
 salary on his or her performance is the most transparent way of approaching financial motivation. An employee has a direct impact on the business by producing or selling specific volumes of products or services, and there is a clear correlation between effort and payback.
For example
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, a
wine
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 consultant in the store gets commission for every bottle recommended and sold, and,
as a result
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, it makes the sommelier more engaged with the incoming visitors, encouraging the sale of
higher value
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higher-value
 bottles or more quantities.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there are often
uncontroled
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uncontrollable
 external
factors
Use synonyms
 that can influence the selling and production capacity.
For instance
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,
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wine
Add an article
the wine
show examples
 sector can be affected by increased taxes and the rise in
wine
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 cost, which makes the product less accessible to a
wide
Correct word choice
wider
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 public.
Moreover
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, climate can
also
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 affect the volumes of the
wine
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 production - limiting exporting opportunities or more
acitve
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active
 sales during the year. I've been to a winery which only produced 700 bottles of a specific grape variety
due to
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 insufficient harvest, which capped the tasting and
further
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 selling opportunities. Those
factors
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 impact employees directly and minimise their earning potential, which, in my view, is not a fair situation, and can even cause a reverse effect.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, performance-based payments can be effective in some industries and have a clear tie with the efforts invested into work, making it easier to motivate employees and get better business outcomes.
However
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, there are at times unpredictable external
factors
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, like climate, economy, changes in the law, global
crisises
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crises
, that can significantly impact the employees' earning potential,
therefore
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 making them less motivated and looking for alternative career opportunities.

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task response
State your view more directly in the first paragraph. You partly agree, but explain in one short sentence when pay by sales works and when it does not.
task response
Develop the second main point further. Explain that pay based only on sales may lead workers to feel worried or treated unfairly when costs, weather, or new rules cut sales.
task response
Your wine example is clear and relevant. Add one example from a different kind of job, such as a factory or a team office, to show that your view can apply more widely.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. To make the link between ideas smoother, use simple links such as “This means that”, “As a result”, and “For this reason” more often.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body paragraph focused on one main idea. In the second body paragraph, group the outside causes together first, then explain their effect on workers in the final sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words throughout. For example, choose either “sales” or “selling” in a sentence where possible, so the meaning is easier to follow.
task response
You answer the question clearly and give a balanced view. Your position stays the same from the introduction to the ending.
task response
The example of a wine worker who earns money for each bottle sold is specific and helps explain why this kind of pay can increase effort.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are arranged in a clear order: benefit first, then problem, then a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
The ending brings both sides together and restates your main view in a clear way.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • motivate
  • encourage
  • productivity
  • performance-based pay
  • objective assessment
  • collaboration
  • creativity
  • innovation
  • stress
  • burnout
  • job satisfaction
  • compensation strategy
  • quantify
  • supportive work environment
  • professional development
  • recognition programs
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