IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Which viewpoint do you agree with? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
Nowadays,
advertisements
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 are something that can increase the amount of
sold products
Correct word order
products sold
show examples
 in a company. Some
people
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 believe that they are helpful,
while
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 others consider the opposite. I partially agree with it, because you can sometimes find something you need from
advertisements
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, but sometimes it can annoy you.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, sometimes,
advertisements
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 can be something helpful for you.
For example
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, when you are searching for a dentistry clinic
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 you see an advertisement about it, it is
easily
Replace the word
easy
 for you to know more about
this
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 clinic, so you do not have to
make
Verb problem
do
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 a lot of
researches
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research
, because everything is shown in the
add
Use the right word
ad
show examples
.
As a result
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,
people
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 get the service that they searched for
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the companies easily boost their sales.
Furthermore
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,
advertisements
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 allow
people
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 to compare different types of products from different companies
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and choose which one is the best for them.
Body paragraph 2
However
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,
advertisements
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 can sometimes be very annoying.
For instance
Linking Words
, when you are watching an youtube video
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 suddenly an
add
Use the right word
ad
show examples
 starts playing, you can become mad at it, because usually
adds
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ads
show examples
 appear at the most interesting moment of a video.
Therefore
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,
people
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 become more annoyed about it and do not want to purchase something from that company. It means that the company will have
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
 sales, and sometimes,
this
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 could cause
bankrupt
Replace the word
bankruptcy
.
That is
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 why companies should be more careful about the place where they want their
add
Use the right word
ad
show examples
 to be presented and the length of their
add
Use the right word
ad
show examples
 video.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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advertisements
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 can help
people
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 discover and compare useful products, they can
also
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 irritate them. I believe that advertising is beneficial as long as it is presented in a reasonable way.

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task response
Make your main view clearer in the first part. You say you partly agree, but the question asks which view you agree with. State that ads can help people find useful new things, but say clearly which side is stronger for you.
task response
Keep the focus on need and on new things that can make life better. The second main part is mostly about ads being annoying. Explain more clearly how ads make people buy things they do not need, such as clothes, games, or phone items.
task response
Give one fuller example for each main idea. For the clinic example, say how an ad helps a person find a clinic near home, see its price, and book a visit. For the other view, show how a sale ad can make someone buy an item only because it looks cheap.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. To make it flow better, link each point more closely to your main view. For example, begin the second main part with: “On the other hand, ads can also make people want things they do not need.”
coherence and cohesion
Use a few more clear link words to show cause and result, such as “because of this”, “for this reason”, and “in contrast”. Do not use too many at the start of every sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas need a clearer order. In the part about video ads, first say that they interrupt viewers, then explain that this can harm how people feel about the company, and finally give your result.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view at the end. Your clinic example is relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow. Each main part has one main idea, and the ending brings the two sides together.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful link words such as “Firstly”, “Furthermore”, “However”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • persuade
  • manipulative
  • unnecessary
  • excessive
  • artificial needs
  • desires
  • consumers
  • oversaturation
  • impulse buying
  • financial problems
  • inform
  • educate
  • features
  • benefits
  • innovations
  • raise awareness
  • social issues
  • positive behavior
  • enrich
  • well-being
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