IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the future, the main resean for going to shoping mall will be for entertainment, not to shop. Do you agree or disagree.

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The issue of the main reason for going to
shopping
Add an article
the shopping
show examples
 mall has been the subject of considerable debate in recent years. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it is a good
idea
Use synonyms
 that going to
shopping
Add an article
a shopping
show examples
 mall
will be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 for
entretainment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that it is a useless notion.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
Linking Words
 both arguments have their merits, I firmly believe that it is
pointless
Add an article
a pointless
show examples
idea
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, those who advocate that going to
shopping
Add an article
a shopping
show examples
 mall
will be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 for entrtainment are a beneficial
idea
Use synonyms
 argue that there are many
intersting
Correct your spelling
interesting
 stores at
malls
Use synonyms
, so that individuals can enjoy
to go
Wrong verb form
going
show examples
 there.
For instance
Linking Words
, if friends want to meet in a suitable place, they can go to shopping
malls
Use synonyms
 and drink coffee.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
 have
passion
Add an article
a passion
show examples
 for monitoring
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new clothes and bags without but it. The main reason is that many famels intersted in trend and style, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they always go to shopping
malls
Use synonyms
 to see new collections.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many who hold the belief that it is a useless notion to go
shopping
Change preposition
to shopping
show examples
malls
Use synonyms
 for
entretainment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
 emphasise that it is a
waste
Use synonyms
 of
time
Use synonyms
. The main reason is that
people
Use synonyms
 should focus on their education and
developed
Wrong verb form
develop
show examples
 themselves.
For example
Linking Words
, if a girl has leisure
time
Use synonyms
, she can learn new skills and gain knowledge because it can help her in the future to get
high-level
Add an article
a high-level
show examples
 job.
In addition
Linking Words
, go shopping
malls
Use synonyms
 for entretainmnet not only a
waste
Use synonyms
 of
time
Use synonyms
, but it
Linking Words
also
Verb problem
is also
show examples
 a
waste
Use synonyms
 of money.
For example
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
 go to the cinemas and
restraunts
Correct your spelling
restaurants
 at the
malls
Use synonyms
, which
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
 them
fianancially
Correct your spelling
financially
.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 there are valid arguments on both sides, I firmly believe that it is a
poinntless
Correct your spelling
pointless
idea
Use synonyms
. The reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that it is a
waste
Use synonyms
 of
time
Use synonyms
 and money.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give your view more clearly in the first part. You say the idea is pointless, but you also spend a full part showing why it may be good. Make sure each main point helps to prove your own view.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: malls can be a place to meet, but they can also waste time and money. Add more detail to explain why these points are true and why they matter in the future.
task response
Use examples that are more real and more closely linked to the question. For example, explain how cinemas, food places, games, and meeting spaces may make malls more about fun than buying things.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. However, the first main part has some long and unclear sentences. Keep one main idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Words such as 'for example', 'however', 'also', and 'as a result' can help, but do not repeat the same pattern too often.
coherence and cohesion
Make the topic sentence of each part clear. For example: 'One reason malls may become places for fun is that they offer more than shops.' This tells the reader what the part will say.
coherence and cohesion
Check words that make meaning unclear, such as 'monitoring new clothes'. Say 'looking at new clothes' or 'seeing new collections' instead. Also check spelling of key words, such as 'entertainment', 'shopping', and 'restaurants'.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear final view. You also include reasons about time and money.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic shape: an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion. Paragraphs are used in a helpful way.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as 'On one hand', 'Furthermore', 'For example', and 'To sum up'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • relying heavily on
  • transforming
  • consumer behavior
  • shift
  • virtual
  • convenience
  • brick-and-mortar stores
  • retail landscape
  • evolving
  • diversifying
  • leisure activities
  • amenities
  • socializing
  • shopaholic
  • impulse buying
  • concessions
  • window shopping
  • consumer preferences
  • entertainment options
  • browse
  • e-commerce
  • online retailers
  • convenient
  • carousel
  • movie theater
  • food court
  • bowling alley
  • arcade
  • play area
  • shopping spree
What to do next:
Look at other essays: