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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, world leaders of all kinds are younger than those in the past. What are the reasons? Is this a negative or positive trend?

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Introduction
All around the world, young adults are now holding the
leader's
Replace the word
leadership
 position in every sphere.
According to
Linking Words
 me, it is a positive development, as people
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
show examples
 more educated leaders who can focus on
real life
Correct your spelling
real-life
 issues, rather than playing diplomatically, and who can represent their views on
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 international scale.
Body paragraph 1
To commence with, the primary reason is that,
nowadays
Punctuation problem
nowadays,
show examples
 individuals are more learned and
knows
Correct subject-verb agreement
know
show examples
 about their rights as
a citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
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 of the country.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they want a person who is educated enough to know how to deal with important things
,
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apply
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 and can make a decision in favour of the whole nation,
instead
Linking Words
 of fulfilling his own ulterior motives.
For instance
Linking Words
, recently a new political party emerged in India, called CGP, which is made by number of youngsters, who
feels
Correct subject-verb agreement
feel
show examples
 that the current political system is not up to the mark, and
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 more interested in completing their own political agenda, in place of working for the betterment of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
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 to that, there are inclusion of many
world-wide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
 issues
,
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apply
show examples
 that
requires
Correct subject-verb agreement
require
show examples
 a critical thinking approach, and if a given person has to represent their country on the world level, they have to be more analytical about the situation.
This
Linking Words
 could be illustrated by the fact that
,
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apply
show examples
 many states have up to date machineries and weapons for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
security purposes, and it is beneficial for them to have a representative who has an
in depth
Correct your spelling
in-depth
 knowledge about that
particularly
Punctuation problem
, particularly
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, and it would not be possible for the older politicians to have that kind of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
knowledge.
Therefore
Linking Words
, there must be a need for young people to hold that position and command through their own understanding.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that it is a positive trend, as people
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 a person who is well-educated and knows how to represent them on a global level.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: you give reasons for younger leaders and say this is a good change. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why young leaders are becoming common. For example, talk about social media, more young people in higher study, and people’s wish for change.
task response
Your main idea is clear, but some claims are too broad. You say older leaders cannot have enough knowledge of new machines and weapons. This is not always true. Say that young and old leaders can both learn, but young leaders may be more used to new tools.
task response
Use one clear and real example. The example about a new party in India is not well explained, and the name may not be clear to the reader. Explain what the group did and how it shows that young people want change.
task response
Give a more balanced view before your final opinion. You could say that young leaders may have less work experience, but this can be helped by good advisers. Then explain why you still think the change is good.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow. Keep this four-part plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between each paragraph clearer. The first body part is about what people want, while the second is about world issues. Start the second part with a direct link, such as: “Another reason is that world problems now need skill with new science and technology.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and contain too many ideas. Break them into two or three short sentences. This will make your meaning clearer. For example, explain the problem first, then explain why a young leader may help.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Phrases such as “To commence with” and “In addition to that” are fine, but simple links like “First,” “Also,” “However,” and “As a result” may sound more natural.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one main point. In the second body part, you move from world issues to weapons to older politicians. Keep the focus on one idea: young leaders may understand new technology and new world problems well.
task response
You clearly state your view in the first paragraph and repeat it in the ending. The reader can understand that you see this change as good.
task response
You give two relevant reasons: people want educated leaders, and world issues need careful thought.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, two main ideas, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signpost words, such as “Consequently,” “For instance,” and “Therefore,” to show how ideas are linked.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • world leaders
  • educational opportunities
  • expertise
  • social media
  • platform
  • demographic shifts
  • career paths
  • fresh perspectives
  • innovative approaches
  • policy-making
  • infusion
  • relatable
  • engaged
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