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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people today are leaving their small towns and villages and moving to the big city. Give reasons why people are doing this and give possible problems it can cause.

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Introduction
The world has changed significantly. Many
people
Use synonyms
 move from small
town
Check wording
towns
show examples
 to big
cities
Use synonyms
. And it's widely acknowledged that
this
Linking Words
 topic plays a paramount role in modern society.
This
Linking Words
 essay will cover both reasons and
Add an article
the
show examples
problems
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 result
in
Change preposition
from them
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are numerous causes for leaving small towns and villages .
First,
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 find a better opportunity
which include
Correct subject-verb agreement
that includes
show examples
 education and jobs .
People
Use synonyms
keeps
Correct subject-verb agreement
keep
show examples
 pace with the progress of life. It is very popular for
people
Use synonyms
 to move
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 big
cities
Use synonyms
 to increase their income .
Second,
Linking Words
some
people
Use synonyms
 like to live beside facilities .
it
Capitalize the word
It
show examples
 has the advantages of
decrease using
Replace the word
decreasing the use
 of cars
Linking Words
therefore
Add a semicolon
; therefore
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, they decrease air pollution . Tertiary Hospitals , schools , pharmacies and grocery shops are
an example
Fix the agreement mistake
examples
show examples
 of facilities that
people
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needed
Wrong verb form
need
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.
Finally
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,
people
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 choose
cities
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 for entertainment . Not only large malls
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
also
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 theme parks
located
Verb problem
are located
show examples
 in
cities
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it has a variety of restaurants that satisfy all tastes.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, it is crucial to consider the potential detrimental effects.
First,
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due to
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 the rapid increase in population
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
cities
Use synonyms
, the
cities
Use synonyms
 become crowded places.
In addition
Linking Words
, car parking is not always available.
Second,
Linking Words
traffic is a major cause of air pollution.
City
Add an article
The city
show examples
 is not the perfect place for a plant .
Finally
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,
cities
Use synonyms
 are considered more expensive than towns.
As a result
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 of high demand for renting, the prices
risen
Verb problem
have risen
show examples
.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 moving to
cities
Use synonyms
 has many benefits , the
long term
Correct your spelling
long-term
 drawbacks cannot be ignored.

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task response
You answer both parts: why people move and what problems may happen. To make the ideas stronger, explain each point more fully. For example, say how better jobs can help a family, or how high rent can make life hard for new people in a city.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. Instead of only naming hospitals, schools, and shops, explain that a person in a village may need to travel far for these things, while they are close in a city.
task response
Some points need more care. Living near services does not always mean people use fewer cars. Explain when this can happen, such as when buses, trains, and shops are close to home.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first paragraph more direct. State that you will explain the reasons for moving and the problems this may cause.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. You use 'First', 'Second', and 'Finally' well, but some links are not clear. For example, connect traffic, more cars, and dirty air in one clear chain of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea. In the city-problems paragraph, put crowding and traffic together, then discuss high living costs as a separate point with a short explanation.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence form and word use because errors sometimes make the meaning less clear. For example: 'people keep pace with the progress of life,' 'people move to big cities,' and 'rent prices rise.'
task response
You cover important reasons for moving, such as jobs, education, services, and free-time activities.
task response
You also identify key city problems, including crowding, traffic, air pollution, and high rent.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it uses separate paragraphs for reasons and problems.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to the main idea and gives a clear final view.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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