IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, more houses are needed to cope with rapidly increasing populations. Some people think that it is better to build houses in existing towns and cities, while others believe that it is better to build houses and develop new towns in rural areas. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
In
comtemporary
Correct your spelling
contemporary
 society, many
houses
Use synonyms
 are essential to tackle the increasing
number of populations
Check wording
population
show examples
. More and more individuals are
debate
Wrong verb form
debating
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 whether it is efficient to build
aditional
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additional
houses
Use synonyms
 in urban areas or construct extra
houses
Use synonyms
 in
countryside
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the countryside
show examples
 and develop new urbanisation. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Punctuation problem
essay,
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 I will explain both aspects, followed by my own opinion.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost, there are numerous reasons associated with building new
houses
Use synonyms
 in existing cities
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 create more difficulties than advantages. The primary concern is urban
area
Use synonyms
 is
countinueously
Correct your spelling
continuously
 crowded
due to
Linking Words
lake
Check wording
a lack
show examples
 of space. By adding
further
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 development in
existing
Add an article
the existing
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 town, it can
intoduce
Correct your spelling
introduce
 various
type
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types
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 of dilema
such
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 lake of playground for
children
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.
Hence
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,
children
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 would no longer play outdoors, which may affect their mental well-being.
Moreover
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,
Adding
Correct determiner usage
adding a
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 new house may include traffic congestion because more
houses
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 mean more citizens.
Therefore
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, urban areas are polluted by citizens'
vehicle
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vehicles
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.
Body paragraph 2
Conversely
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, I prefer making new
houses
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 in rural
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area
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areas
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 to making
houses
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 in towns.
Firstly
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,
By
Fix capitalization
by
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 creating new
apartment
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apartments
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 in
countryside
Add an article
the countryside
show examples
area
Use synonyms
 not only
facilitate
Correct subject-verb agreement
facilitates
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 the local
residence
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residents
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 but
also
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allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
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 them to live a modern lifestyle. The main reason is
local
Correct word choice
that local
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 individuals
are
Verb problem
apply
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often try to alter their places owing to
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children's
Correct determiner usage
their children's
show examples
 study purposes. If the rural
area
Use synonyms
turn
Correct subject-verb agreement
turns
show examples
 into a
town
Punctuation problem
town,
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 their
children
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 may obtain better educational facilities.
As a result
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,
children
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 may complete their graduation without leaving their families.
For instance
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,
according to
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 Prothom Alo
statistic
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statistics
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, they demonstrates almost 50% pupils leave their
home
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homes
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 for study purposes.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
accoring
Correct your spelling
according
 to my preference, building new
houses
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 in existing towns may create various
issue
Check wording
issues
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, constructing new
houses
Use synonyms
 in rural areas
instead
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 of cities may improve the local
residences'
Check wording
residents'
show examples
 lives.

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Task response
You discuss both sides and give your view, but the first side is not fully clear. Explain why building in old cities may still be good, then show why you think new towns are better.
Task response
Develop each main idea more. For example, say how new towns can have schools, hospitals, jobs, and roads, not only homes.
Task response
Your example is useful, but it is not clear where the number comes from or how it proves your point. Use a clear, real example, or explain the link more fully.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the first body part match the first view in the question more directly.
Coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. For example: “Building more homes in cities has some benefits, but it can also cause problems.” This helps the reader follow your ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “because”, “as a result”, “however”, and “for example”. Do not repeat “Firstly” and “Moreover” too often.
Coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the subject is unclear. Write short sentences with one main idea each. For example, say “More homes bring more people. This can make traffic worse.”
Task response
You answer all parts of the question: you discuss both places for new homes and state your own view.
Task response
You give clear reasons for your view, such as better schools and keeping families together in rural areas.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall order: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “Moreover”, “Conversely”, and “As a result” to connect ideas.
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