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Band 5

Some believe that money for education should mainly be spent on better computers while others believe it would be better spent on teachers. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
Group
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A group
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 of
people
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 say that
eduaction's
Correct your spelling
education's
money
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 is completely must be spent on more advanced devices
such
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 as computers.
However
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, others have a different idea
that
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is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
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 more beneficial to spend
this
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money
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 on
teachers
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. For me, the first idea is better and can have a positive result on
people
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 in the e
future
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
teachers
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 may do their best
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 if they are satisfied
about
Change preposition
with
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 their salaries. School
teachers
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 may be young or older
people
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 and have
responsbilities
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responsibilities
 and needs differently from one to another. If they do not achieve these needs
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their job, they can find
other
Correct determiner usage
another
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 way to do
this
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.
For example
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, they may work
part-time
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a part-time
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 job
beside
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besides
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 teaching to have enough
money
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 for their needs. A problem arises from
this
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 point, if some of those
people
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 worked a second job,
he
Fix the agreement mistake
they
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 would not have enough time to respnd on
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students question
Check wording
students' questions
show examples
 after school time. It may be worse when there are other duties are maybe affected by
this
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. They may come tired to their
schools
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, because
the
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of their
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 other part-time
jobs
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. The only
people
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would
Correct pronoun usage
who would
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 be affected negatively by
this
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, they are
students
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 in
schools
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. So, policymakers can prevent
teachers
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 from doing
this
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with
Change preposition
by
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 funding more
money
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on
Change preposition
for
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 those
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people
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people's
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 salaries.
As a result
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, they
mainly can
Correct word order
can mainly
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 focus on their
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students
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students'
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 needs.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
schools
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 should prepare
students
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 for their
future
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jobs
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,
nowdays
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nowadays
this
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 needs better computers in these places. Recently, AI
invloves
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is involved
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 in many
jobs
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 when scientists
use
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 it to solve problems.
In addition
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,
mathimatics
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mathematics
 experts
use
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 it
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also
Rephrase
apply
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to solve
mathimatics
Correct your spelling
mathematics
 questions
as well as
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 other fields. So,
children
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 may need to learn how to
use
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 it from an early age to solve tasks related to their subjects now and in the
future
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. Unfortunately, some
schools
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can
Verb problem
apply
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have old compuers are not able to download the
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last
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latest
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 version of AI applications. To consider that it is important for
children
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 to practise on the
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last
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latest
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 versions of AI to be aware
about
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of
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 its updates.
Therefore
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,
this
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 can be solved with new devices that
schoolers become able
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enable schoolers
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 to download new versions of AI year by year.
As a result
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,
children
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 can be able to
use
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 AI to help them in their academic subjects. In the
future
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, they may not face any hardships
with
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in
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 using it in their
jobs
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, spending
education's
Check wording
education
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money
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 on
teachers
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 can make them more focused on
children
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. But, it is
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 idea to spend
education's
Check wording
education
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 on better computers to prepare
children
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 to
use
Use synonyms
 AI from an early age.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why new computers are a better use of money than higher pay for teachers. You could also say that teachers need good training to use new tools well.
task response
Your points about teacher pay are clear, but the example is quite general. Add one simple real-life example, such as a teacher who has to work at night and cannot plan good lessons.
task response
The computer paragraph focuses almost only on AI. Add other ways computers can help, such as research, online lessons, writing, and learning skills for work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one view, the other view, and conclusion. Keep this plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long or not complete, so the meaning is hard to follow. Use shorter sentences with one main idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example, use 'However' to show a different view, 'For example' before an example, and 'Therefore' only when the next sentence is a clear result.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'As a result' many times. You can also use 'This means that', 'Because of this', or no link word when the idea is already clear.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the view about teachers, the view about computers, and your own opinion.
task response
Your idea that schools should help children use new technology for future work is relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear main idea, which helps the reader follow your essay.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion clearly restates both views and gives your final choice.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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