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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many societies, there is a growing emphasis on individualism, with people prioritizing their personal goals and desires over collective interests. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In recent years, self-love has become a common trend among
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
over- implement
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over-implementing
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 it could pave the way to
self-centred
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a self-centred
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 personality, with
people
Use synonyms
 starting to
prioritize
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prioritise
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 their own goals and
urge
Correct subject-verb agreement
urges
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 over common interests. I firmly believe that
this
Linking Words
 is
negative
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a negative
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 development since it will erode social bonds and worsen inequality.
Body paragraph 1
One major reason is that humans are a social creature
,
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;
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 they live in a society by strengthening their bond and protecting each other to survive over thousands of years. Meanwhile, individualism
that is
Linking Words
 growing among
people
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 nowadays might erode that culture
,
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apply
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 by only focusing on personal desire and goals.
This
Linking Words
 mindset could bring more and more
people
Use synonyms
 to care about themselves, ignoring community, and could slowly wash off the current culture,
such
Linking Words
 as helping each other, family closeness, neighbourhood, and social democracy.
Consequently
Linking Words
, community interests no longer become a priority and make
people
Use synonyms
 forget their natural characteristics as social creatures.
Body paragraph 2
Another compelling argument is that individualism could increase the disparity between the rich and the poor. That personal trait which grows among the
people
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,
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apply
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 will result in
people
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to focus
Wrong verb form
focusing
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 more on themselves, pursuing their own dreams, leaving behind
people
Use synonyms
 without connection and privilege. To achieve some prosperity
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for
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, for
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 instance,
people
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 will manipulate and exploit others without thinking about what is the effect
for
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on
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 society.
As a result
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, the rich will continue gaining profit,
while
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 the poor will stay in poverty.
Conclusion
To
summarize
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summarise
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,
with
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apply
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the growth of individualism among citizens around the world, it could cause
people
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 to wear down social relationships by only focusing on their own benefit rather than
for
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on
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 the greater good of society.
Moreover
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, the gap between the rich and the poor will be
farter
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farther
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 than ever before.

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Task response
You answer the question clearly and give a clear view: this is a bad change. Your two main ideas are social bonds and the gap between rich and poor. To make the answer stronger, explain more clearly why each result must happen.
Task response
Your first main idea is useful, but some claims are very wide. For example, say how a person who only thinks of personal gain may stop helping neighbours, family, or local groups. This will make your point more real.
Task response
Your second main idea needs a more direct link. People can follow personal goals without hurting poor people. Explain that the problem comes when people or firms seek money at any cost, such as paying workers too little or not helping those in need.
Task response
Add one short, clear example in each body part. For example, a worker may not give time to a local help group; a firm may cut pay to raise its own profit. Examples will make your ideas more full and easy to trust.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, two body parts, and an ending. Each body part has one main idea. Keep this clear plan.
Coherence and cohesion
Use links more carefully. Some long sentences join many ideas with commas, which makes the meaning less clear. Break them into two or three short sentences.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the end restate your two main points in a simple way. Do not add new ideas there. Also change "farter" to "farther" or use "wider" for the gap between rich and poor.
Coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words in a clear way. For example, use "individualism", "personal gain", and "the common good". Avoid unclear words such as "that personal trait" when "this focus on self" is clearer.
Task response
You give a direct answer from the start and keep the same view through the whole essay.
Task response
The points about weaker social bonds and a wider rich-poor gap are both linked to the topic.
Coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the ending returns to both main points.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as "One major reason", "Another compelling argument", and "As a result" help the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • fosters
  • innovation
  • autonomy
  • align with
  • excessive
  • social isolation
  • community bonds
  • solely
  • social classes
  • entrepreneurship
  • economic development
  • empathy
  • societal cohesion
  • collective well-being
  • vulnerable
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