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Band 4.5

Some people think that secondary or highschool student should be taught how to use money management as it is an important lifeskill. Do you agree or disagree with the statement?

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Introduction
Some people believe that academic institutions which are before a university degree are supposed to teach students how to
use
Correct word order
manage money
show examples
money
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 management as it is a significant
lifeskill
Correct your spelling
life skill
. I partly disagree
when
Change preposition
with
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
can take a
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 part in
this
Linking Words
 mission because
children
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 probably do not always remember what they are taught in
Use synonyms
schools
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school
show examples
.
While
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if
parents
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 needed to teach them
this
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, it would be better.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
schools
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 may teach
children
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 to be good characters in the
future
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. School subjects kids are taught
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as science or
history
Punctuation problem
history,
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 are part of
this
Linking Words
 mission to prepare them to be leaders or
scienticts
Correct your spelling
scientists
.
In contrast
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, some important
roles
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 in these subjects failed because
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 poor management
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
money
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.
For example
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, centuries ago King of Egypt
Mohamed
Punctuation problem
, Mohamed
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 Ali's son
when
Punctuation problem
, when
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 he took
this
Linking Words
 position after his father, one of his failures was borrowing
money
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 from abroad. So, if he had been taught the
money
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 management
skill
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, he might not have done
this
Linking Words
. So, it is a useful
skill
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 associated with
roles
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 from many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
subjects.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
children
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 are supposed to be taught
this
Linking Words
skill
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 to be good
roles
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 and
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not repeat other
Use synonyms
roles
Check wording
roles'
show examples
 faults in the
future
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
parents
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partly can
Correct word order
can partly
show examples
 have a role in
this
Linking Words
 mission in a better
way
Use synonyms
. Kids can take some summer vacations from their
Use synonyms
schools
Check wording
school
show examples
 year by year. So, they may forget what they are taught in
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schools
Check wording
school
show examples
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, they may spend more time with their
parents
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Correct word order
, and they also
show examples
also
Linking Words
 they give them
money
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. So,
parents
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 may see how their
children
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 deal with
this
Linking Words
money
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. During these times, they might teach them how to deal with
this
Linking Words
money
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 in
right
Add an article
the right
show examples
way
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, if they saw them spending it in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 wrong
way
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. So,
children
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 can be taught
this
Linking Words
skill
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 gradually from different situations by their
parents
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, they may remember
this
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 in a better
way
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 and tend
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
make
Correct word order
to make
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 the same mistakes in their
dealing
Check wording
dealings
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 with
money
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 in the
future
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I partly disagree with
this
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staement
Correct your spelling
statement
 when
schools
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 must teach
children
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 how to be good
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roles
Check wording
role models
show examples
.
In addition
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,
schools
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 can teach them
to do not
Unsplit the infinitive
not to
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 repeat the
money
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managament
Correct your spelling
management
 mistakes that leaders
did
Verb problem
made
show examples
 in the past. So, they would be good
roles
Use synonyms
 in the
future
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. But my
arguement
Correct your spelling
argument
 is that
children
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 may not always remember
this
Linking Words
.
Parents
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 can teach them
this
Linking Words
 in a better
way
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 during
real life
Correct your spelling
real-life
 situations they do in front of them. So, they may not repeat them again in the
future
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Make your main view more clear. You say you partly disagree, but you also say schools should teach this skill. State exactly what schools should do and what parents should do.
task response
Give two or three clear reasons for your view. For example, school can teach saving, making a plan for money, and safe use of cards. Parents can help children use these ideas at home.
task response
Use examples that are close to students' lives. The story about the son of Mohamed Ali is not fully explained, so it does not strongly prove your point. A child saving part of weekly money would be easier and more useful.
task response
Answer the full question in the end. Do not only repeat that parents may teach better. Say if money lessons should be in school, and explain why.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear idea in each body paragraph. The first body paragraph moves between school subjects, leaders, and history. Start with the main point, explain it, and then give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences more natural. Do not begin many sentences with “So” or “In contrast”. Use simple links such as “Also”, “For example”, “Because of this”, and “However” only when they fit.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “good roles” and “this mission”. Use more exact words, such as “responsible adults”, “money lessons”, or “this goal”.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, which is good. Make them shorter and more direct. The conclusion should give your final view without adding new points.
task response
You give a clear view that parents have an important part in teaching children about money.
task response
You try to support your ideas with an example and with real home situations, such as parents giving children money.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape: introduction, two main paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words to show contrast and result, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “As a result”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • secondary school students
  • money management
  • lifeskill
  • financial decisions
  • financial stress
  • debt
  • responsible
  • independent
  • budgeting
  • saving
  • investing
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